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Dec 22nd, 2024, 3:24pm
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Topic: How can I find the person behind the words? (Read 714 times) |
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MissFartyPants
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How can I find the person behind the words?
« on: May 16th, 2004, 8:16pm » |
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An article on MSN.com everyone might find interesting. Seeing as online dating has become a 'trend' these days.
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Dear Trish,
I've had dates with people who turn out to be different from their profiles. Not drastically different, but different enough from the person I thought they were based on their profile and emails. It's really frustrating. I want to have faith in my fellow man, but it's hard when this happens. How can I find the person behind the words — before I agree to go out with them?
— Duped in Dubuque
Dear Duped,
No wonder you're frustrated. It's hard when you find yourself liking someone based on who they seem to be in profiles, emails and phone calls (64% of Match.com subscribers have experienced "online chemistry") only to discover they're not quite that person in real life.
There's no way to be 100 percent sure that the person you communicate with on the computer or phone will hold up under closer scrutiny in person. However, there are some ways you can look more closely at your communication with someone to uncover inconsistencies and inaccuracies.
But first, let's talk about dishonesty on the Internet.
There's a prevailing thought that people lie all the time on the Internet. And there certainly is a population of dishonest people online, just as there is in real life. People who lie will lie as easily online as they do to your face.
There is, however, a culture of stretching the truth online that results from the anonymity provided by our computers. In her 2003 study, A Cultural Analysis of Online Dating, Joan Neils of the University of Washington's communications studies department concludes: "Online culture seems to have established acceptable, even expected levels of misrepresentation. Comparable to fibbing on a driver's licenses, height and weight questions are less likely to deem one a dirty liar than, say, not revealing five children and a wife."
We all want to look good in the face of competition — particularly for a mate. That leads some people to lie — even though they know the lie might be revealed upon a face-to-face meeting. It prompts others to stretch the truth a little.
Blatant lies are only good as warnings of what's to come. If you catch someone lying, you should take it as a sign and move on. One lie before you've even started a romance is a harbinger of more lies to come after you're involved.
But stretches of the truth — how serious are they? Is it a lie to describe yourself as average weight when you're actually 10 pounds overweight? Is it a lie to say you're funny when you're actually kind of dull? That depends on you — the person sitting in judgment.
So how can you discover the person behind the words before you meet in person? The short answer is — you can't. At least not with certainty. There's a sixth sense many of us have about people that sometimes only kicks in when standing face-to-face. That's why it's always important to meet in a safe, public place the first time you go out.
You can, however, divine clues to the real person by listening closely not only to what they say, but how they say it.
When you hear or see these things in someone's email or during a telephone conversation, dig a little deeper. Sometimes these behaviors are simply a result of being nervous or excited. If that's the case, they will likely subside as the speaker/writer warms up and gets more comfortable. However, if the behaviors don't subside, you're likely dealing with someone who's different in real life.
Listen to your instincts and if you feel there's something not right, simply thank them for contacting you and don't bother going out with them. This should help you avoid future disappointments.
Ask yourself this: "Am I trying too hard?" We all want to look good in the eyes of people we're interested in. But make sure you're not trying to look too good. Be realistic about your accomplishment, looks and intentions and you'll be more likely to meet people who make better matches.
Your thoughts?
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| « Last Edit: May 16th, 2004, 8:41pm by MissFartyPants » |
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Need4Speed8DaleJr
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Re: How can I find the person behind the words?
« Reply #1 on: May 16th, 2004, 9:36pm » |
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The Truth can be found on Isle 4, under the animal crackers and next to the  cat food.
Better known as alcohol, this truth serum reveals every potential secret a person might harbour. Works every time.
Well almost, the odd time YOU get drunk and spill your secrets, so no plan is fool-proof.
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Your Vacuum Cleaner ate my Pants...There was nothing I could do. 
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MissFartyPants
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Re: How can I find the person behind the words?
« Reply #2 on: May 16th, 2004, 9:57pm » |
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on May 16th, 2004, 9:36pm, need4speed8dalejr wrote:Better known as alcohol, this truth serum reveals every potential secret a person might harbour. Works every time.
Well almost, the odd time YOU get drunk and spill your secrets, so no plan is fool-proof.
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'in vino veritas', Dale? That too is Bull! IMHO. 
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| « Last Edit: May 16th, 2004, 9:58pm by MissFartyPants » |
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mylane
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Re: How can I find the person behind the words?
« Reply #3 on: May 16th, 2004, 10:23pm » |
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The internet has taken the place of the church, a club or school in as far as meeting people is concerned.
I'm not saying we dont get to meet interesting people outside the net anymore, What I'm saying is that the use of the net has become so widespread that almost everyone is in the net - for work, school and play. Meeting people thru this venue has just become a given.
on May 16th, 2004, 8:16pm, MissFartyPants wrote:But stretches of the truth — how serious are they? Is it a lie to describe yourself as average weight when you're actually 10 pounds overweight? Is it a lie to say you're funny when you're actually kind of dull? That depends on you — the person sitting in judgment.
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that's why there is a webcam. Thanks for that. 
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MissFartyPants
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Re: How can I find the person behind the words?
« Reply #4 on: May 16th, 2004, 10:43pm » |
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on May 16th, 2004, 10:23pm, mylane wrote:
that's why there is a webcam. Thanks for that.
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But then again, a webcam and or a mic can only reveal so much.
I wish we could read people's minds. It would make things so much easier.
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ReeBop
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 Arlington TX
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1fw Messenger: reebop@imchat.h opto.org
   
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Re: How can I find the person behind the words?
« Reply #5 on: May 17th, 2004, 12:21am » |
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I tried to read minds, got a headache instead...
 
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
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okasantina
Premier Expert
 Yokohama, Japan
# 4
***~~QuEeNbEe~~ ***
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Re: How can I find the person behind the words?
« Reply #6 on: May 17th, 2004, 2:00am » |
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We think listening is just what we do when we're not talking. But that's not true. Listening is hard work. Communication is 10% information and 90% emotion. People often say the same things over and over because they don't feel their emotions have been heard. It's easy for a listener to jump over feelings and give advice, share facts, or try to minimize the problem rather than really hear what's being said.
It doesn't necessarily mean that the listener agrees, but it signals that he hears. Giving advice or judgment too soon will make the speaker continue to attempt to convince you of his or her feelings: "Yes, I know, but I still feel like giving up." Our most common misconception is that people want us to solve their problems for them. Most often they just want us to hear them out
In contrast to feeling stoppers, continuing responses encourage the speaker to keep talking, giving him or her a chance to sort through and express emotions. Continuing responses also help listeners convey that they genuinely want to understand, while giving speakers a chance to help listeners more clearly know what they are experiencing, so that listeners can later be better equipped to give input. By encouraging the speaker to talk, the listener silently communicates some powerful messages: "I want to care, but I don't know how to care for you yet. Tell me more"; and "You can talk openly with me without fearing how I will react."
Our facial expressions, eye contact, posture, arm, hand and leg positions -- all of our body language speaks as loudly as our words. In fact, if we say the words, "I care about you," but cross our arms, look at our watch, play with our hair and look bored, then the only message the speaker will hear is, "I don't care."
When we hear someone else's feelings and express them back to him or her, we are "reflecting." Like a mirror, we send back what has been given to us (e.g., "I can't believe that guy ripped me off. That makes me really mad"; "You feel angry that you've been cheated."). Reflecting feelings cultivates a climate of acceptance. Acceptance releases a person from the fear of being judged, allowing him or her to share more honestly and open up to receive truth and guidance.
I guess its all been underztood... 
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okasantina
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Yokohama, Japan
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Re: How can I find the person behind the words?
« Reply #8 on: May 17th, 2004, 8:08am » |
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on May 16th, 2004, 9:36pm, need4speed8dalejr wrote:The Truth can be found on Isle 4, under the animal crackers and next to the cat food.
Better known as alcohol, this truth serum reveals every potential secret a person might harbour. Works every time.
Well almost, the odd time YOU get drunk and spill your secrets, so no plan is fool-proof.
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I agree to that Dale... Well I for myself attest to that....the more you are convince of what ure zayin is true the more you reveal ure zecrets and when in the prezence of alcohol you'll become more interezted to let them know what you really feel....subconsciouly taking alchol givez them the power to be more confident to show what they feel and what they think...itz not becauze theyre acting but becuz they juzt cant control of zhowing it and lettin it go... should i zay itz needed for them to blow it out or burst it all? !! 
Try to drink Cathy...hehehe! so you will know what we are saying
"They say....You will know the real perzon indeed if you found him drunk one time..."
 Iz it true
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mylane
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Re: How can I find the person behind the words?
« Reply #9 on: May 17th, 2004, 12:11pm » |
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on May 16th, 2004, 9:36pm, need4speed8dalejr wrote:The
Better known as alcohol, this truth serum reveals every potential secret a person might harbour. Works every time.
Well almost, the odd time YOU get drunk and spill your secrets, so no plan is fool-proof.
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so meaning? the best way to a man's heart is to feed him beers (or alcohol)...lol
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