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Nov 1st, 2024, 4:32am
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Topic: RANDOM Jokes (Read 6192 times) |
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MissFartyPants
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The following were actually taken from classified ads in the newspapers:
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
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FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
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1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
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AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
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SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
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FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
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2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: one 5-finger, one 3-finger, PAIR: $15
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TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION -- $6800
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COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
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83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
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SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
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FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
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FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
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FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
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NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED -- CALL CHUBBIE
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| « Last Edit: May 28th, 2004, 5:54am by MissFartyPants » |
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MissFartyPants
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CRAZY WORDS
Adequit work--The answer to the question of "Why Aunt Adie came home early."
Gradubate - to earn a college degree for self gratification.
Wopportunity; The chance to go to Burger King.
Joctor; A person who specializes in sports medicine.
Iniot - A dumb moron who believes that he is apart of the "in" crowd, but in reality he is to stupid to realize that he is the one always being made fun of.
Downysize: to terminate the use of fabric softner.
Accidontly: something you didn't mean to omit.
Procreastination: The act of putting of having children
because you think you will have more money to afford children if you wait awhile longer. (Truth is, you can never really afford kids).
Pissamist: The act of hurrying to take a leak, and missing completely.
Naggravate: The actions or words, used by a female, to irritate a male.
Sexcuse: An illegitimate reason for not wanting to make love, eg: Not tonight dear, I have a headache!
Fibling: A child who impulsively tells trivial lies about
her brother(s) and/or sister(s).
Silitary: A harmless, innocent, trivial form of national defence.
Here's my effart.
Saxual- relating to items purchased at Sax Fifth Avenue.
athesaurus - another name for a dinosaur.
sinfomercial - when busty women in tight clothes are peddling products that have nothing to do with busty women
nautycal mile - the lengths to which sailors will go to stay sane.
spinache - sudden nausea and loss of appetite that occurs in many children before eating their spinach.
CHEEPLEADING- SOMEONE WHO'S ONLY ACTIONS ARE CHEEP AND THEY CHEER ABOUT IT.
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| « Last Edit: May 28th, 2004, 6:05am by MissFartyPants » |
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MissFartyPants
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"Classic written excuses"
The following are some classic written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system:
"Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."
"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."
"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."
"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him."
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."
"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."
"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."
"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."
"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."
"Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had Diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*), the shits."
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MissFartyPants
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UK LETTERS
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
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MissFartyPants
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ADS
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
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mylane
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ahihihihi 
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MissFartyPants
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"Funny Condom Slogans"
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP!
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER!
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY!
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT!
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER!
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG!
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT!
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY!
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE!
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER!
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK!
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT!
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS!
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE!
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER!
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER!
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL!
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION!
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL!
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER!
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
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| « Last Edit: Jun 9th, 2004, 6:02am by MissFartyPants » |
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MissFartyPants
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"Drinks & Personalities"
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).
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Lynlyn
Premier Expert
 Philippines
# 133
it's gotta be me...
Gender: 
Posts: 1098
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Re: RANDOM Jokes
« Reply #8 on: Jun 9th, 2004, 7:48pm » |
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THINGS YOU'D REALLY LIKE TO SAY AT WORK
01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
bonus
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...
Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...
But fart just one time...
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Lord, deliver me from a man who never makes a mistake, and from a man who makes the same mistake twice...
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MissFartyPants
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Double Speak
A few quotes from George Carlin:
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
25. One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people.
26. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
27. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
28. How is it possible to have a civil war?
29. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
30. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
31. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
32. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
33. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"
34. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
35. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
36. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
37. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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