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Nov 1st, 2024, 5:20am
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Topic: The 3 Scientists, The Pig & The Monkey (Read 2416 times) |
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teagirl
Beginner
 Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
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The 3 Scientists, The Pig & The Monkey
« on: Jul 21st, 2004, 3:56am » |
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did you hear the one about the three scientists having a bet.....?
right then...........
three scientists were pondering one day whilst
doing their various experiments...one says to the other whilst mindlessly
pouring various acids into each of the acids....
how big would a pig get before it let blow if you shoved a cork up its bum....
the three scientists pondered this and the next day a pig came into the lab......one
judiciously plugged a cork into the pigs bottom then started to take notes....
the next day they took more notes..... and it was getting bigger....
the next day they were still taking notes...... and the pig was getting even
bigger.......
the next week the pig was quite a bit bigger and still growing ......
and they were still taking notes..........
the next week the pig was huge.......getting
bigger ..... and they were still taking notes........
the next week the pig was massively huge......getting bigger.......
and they were still taking notes.......they decided to move
the pig outside under shelter and carried on taking notes..........
the next week the pig was the size of an airship.......
one scientist said to the other..... 'i'm not sure we should carry this
on much longer... the pigs looks to be in a bit of pain.....'
reluctantly, the others agreed.......but they needed to uncork the
pig........so they trained a monkey..........
the next week the monkey was fully trained and
given a little badge with 5 gold stars and a big yellow 'M' on it
(for Monkey, what else were you thinking....) - the monkey was pleased.....
the day before the uncorking the scientists
were talking amongst themselves......'i bet you' one said
'that the shit will go for a whole mile when it comes out.....'
.......the others laugh.....
another says - 'no, i bet you 1000pounds that it goes for two miles......'
the last scientist says - 'no, thats bollocks i bet 5000pounds (he was well paid) that it'll go
for at least three miles........
' the others laugh - 'youre on'....
the bet was set.......
the next day the land was cleared of obstruction and the monkey placed in position
on a special platform..... three lights at the ready..... which he knew well....he didn't
have 5 gold stars for nothing you know.....the scientists all took their positions at 1, 2 and 3 miles respectively.......the countdown began.........
10....9.......8.....7.......6....5......4.....3......2......1.......0 -----
BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBB - PPPPPHPHHPHPPHHPPRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT
the shit went everywhere.........absolutely everywhere..........
the third scientist at 3 miles was up to his ankles in shit, swilling around the test site...........he took notes and started to wade forward.........he reached the second scientist at two miles away, he was up to his waist in pig shit - he was taking notes......and was pissed off that he owed the third scientist 5000pounds............they called for a boat...as it was to deep to wade on.....
the boat arrives, they both get in and start towards the first scientist at one mile from the blast site.................he was up to his chin in pig shit if he'd have been stood up..... but no, he was doing the backstroke laughing his head off madly..........
they ask him........'why are laughing so much...... you were the furthest out from the result you lost a big bet and you owe 5000pounds !'
still laughing the first scientist says - 'i know i was wildly out with my calculations, i owe you 5000pounds but it was worth every cent &error........'
the others ask 'why'...........
the first scientist says whilst laughing........
'You should've seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!!!'
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| « Last Edit: Nov 30th, 2005, 2:30am by Need4Speed8DaleJr » |
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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MissFartyPants
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Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
« Reply #1 on: Jul 21st, 2004, 4:49am » |
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umm no i've yet to hear about this story........... AND much too lengthy for me to read. 
this joke is unmistakably english. 
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teagirl
Beginner
Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
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Posts: 87
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Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
« Reply #2 on: Jul 22nd, 2004, 2:08am » |
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Yep. As told by a strange Englishman who looks like Bruce Vilanch.
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teagirl
Beginner
Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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Circle Flies
« Reply #3 on: Jul 22nd, 2004, 2:09am » |
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A farmer in Indiana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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teagirl
Beginner
Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
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Posts: 87
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11
« Reply #4 on: Jul 22nd, 2004, 2:16pm » |
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1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Man: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Man: "Is it common?"
Doc: "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
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teagirl
Beginner
Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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Nudist Colony
« Reply #5 on: Jul 22nd, 2004, 2:33pm » |
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No. What do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man
"No. What do you mean?” says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where the smiling, naked receptionist greets him. "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"
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killerabbit
Certified
 Wilmington NC
# 11
oop ack eep ick thhhhppthhh
 
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Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
« Reply #6 on: Jul 22nd, 2004, 10:19pm » |
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 I dont get it
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aku cinta padamu!
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teagirl
Beginner
Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
« Reply #7 on: Jul 23rd, 2004, 1:45am » |
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on Jul 22nd, 2004, 10:19pm, killerabbit wrote:
which joke you didnt get, wabbit?
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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teagirl
Beginner
Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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OuTrAnKeD
« Reply #8 on: Jul 25th, 2004, 7:47am » |
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The airline passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your traypoo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, bitch."
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| « Last Edit: Jul 26th, 2004, 6:46pm by teagirl » |
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I love to sing in the shower. I'm good, too! All my shampoos think so.
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teagirl
Beginner
Wellington
# 1046
carpe diem
Gender:
Posts: 87
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Inconsiderate American Soldier
« Reply #9 on: Aug 23rd, 2004, 4:52am » |
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"
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