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Title: Make Me Laugh Post by coochie_baby03 on Jan 15th, 2004, 7:33pm ;D ;D Place to be funny!!!Post anything that makes us laugh!!!!!Jokes, things happen in act one today, jokes you remember!!!! ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by mylane on Jan 15th, 2004, 10:07pm can i just tickle u? huh coochie? ;D The parrot An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black make up around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. With an attitude, the boy said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually I have. I got drunk once and I had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son. ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 16th, 2004, 11:50pm Coochie here are some old chinese proverbs maybe they make u laugh CHINESE PROVERBS Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 16th, 2004, 11:59pm coochie or anyone click or type this link to veiw this tale http://www.lolfun.com/flash_laughs/melting_princess/melting.swf |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by coochie_baby03 on Jan 17th, 2004, 3:11pm ;D ;Ddefinitely Mymy....you got my tickled spot...oh lalala Ha!ha!ha! Good one Mymy Beast ;D ;Dnice one!!!!!hi!hi!hi! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 19th, 2004, 10:23pm Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon." "Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?" "We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting". "What are you waiting for?", asked the cop. The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 19th, 2004, 10:26pm this joke is called the fast thinking texan A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager "Some butthole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Texas, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but sleepers and football players there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas." "No shit!?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 19th, 2004, 10:29pm damn the joke would of been a lot more funny if the fowl language was left in Cap u gotta fix this |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 19th, 2004, 10:37pm Subject: BODY MEETING All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 19th, 2004, 10:39pm the not very nice person should be the a**hole is usually in charge |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by okasantina on Jan 20th, 2004, 10:15am Beast Joel i think u should have ure own scrap book and post it all here .... heheheh ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 20th, 2004, 11:40pm Tina i get hundreds of these in my email from friends i probably could lol ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by mylane on Jan 21st, 2004, 7:34pm try this link guys: http://junk.dawnshadow.se/yp010.swf |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by tarantada on Jan 22nd, 2004, 10:01pm There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her. What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!" Moral of the story------------> Never lie to girls |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Jan 25th, 2004, 4:35pm Only in TEXAS!!!! A professor at the Texas A&M was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by okasantina on May 21st, 2004, 4:37am ;D ;D ;D [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by okasantina on Aug 13th, 2004, 11:12am The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life 1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." 2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." 3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" 4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" 5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" 6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!" 7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!" ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by kianna_andrea on Aug 14th, 2004, 9:20am What Happens When You Fall In Love With A chef? (You get buttered up.) A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.) A gambler? (He cheats on you.) A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.) A trashman? (He dumps you.) A clockmaker? (He two-times you.) A pastry cook? (He desserts you.) A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.) An elevator operator? (He lets you down.) An artist? (He gives you the brush.) A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by kianna_andrea on Aug 28th, 2004, 10:38am - MEN tal illness - MEN strual cramps - MEN tal breakdown - MEN opause - GUY necologist - And when we have real trouble, it's a.....HIS terectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? ::) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by coochie_baby03 on Aug 29th, 2004, 8:30pm ;D ;D ;D ;Dthat is so funny Joel..tina, kiana... ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by gracia on Aug 31st, 2004, 8:40pm A husband and wife shares their secrets on how to make their marriage last....here it is: 1. two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays while i go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati. 3. I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "somewhere i haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands, if i let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said, "there are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" so i bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she answered "in the lake." 8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. THen the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "am i too late for the garbage?" the driver said, "No, jump in!" 10. Remember....marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. 11. I married "Miss Right." I just didn't know her first name was "Always." 12. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her when she is talking. 13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, What's on TV?"...I said, "Dust!" 14. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by cebuanalyn on Sep 1st, 2004, 12:58am continuation to Gracia's post: MAKING MARRIAGE LAST ;) We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were. ;D ;D :P :P |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by coochie_baby03 on Sep 6th, 2004, 10:07pm ;D ;D ;DGrace that is too funny... I like that part with the hands holding...hahahahahaha!!!!! word of advice: A good time to go shopping is when the husband is watching his favorite game...lol!!!!! ;D ;D ;DThat is when they are not listening to you... |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by okasantina on Oct 24th, 2004, 5:55am Ill try ;D Hubby: Baby! pack all ure stuff...I won the lottery game!!!! Wifey: WOW!! What should i bring honey? Hubby: I dont care! just get out of this house!!! **** ;D ;D Wifey: Im warning you...my husband will gonna be here in a few minutes..plsss Visitor: Why? im not doin anything wrong?? Wifey: Thats it!!! cuz ure not doin anything wrong!!! so make it fastttt. [smiley=icon_drink.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by scottman on Oct 28th, 2004, 2:59pm An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied . "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled.... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by okasantina on Oct 29th, 2004, 12:29pm http://www.fun-town.com/funpages/view.cfm/5938 |
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Title: Fair is Fair Post by scottman on Oct 29th, 2004, 2:20pm To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland. On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me." The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs. He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by nelson3082000 on Oct 29th, 2004, 9:50pm make u laugh my friend come to my place drunk and was shouting things at me i come outside and he starts abusing me and wants to hit me,we listen for one minute and we hear a dog growling he turns around and its nelson growling ready to bite him, he soon sobered up and was beggin me to hold him as nelson wanted a piece of him lolz |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by norkay on Dec 2nd, 2004, 12:20pm A man went to a ladies' restroom: Lady (shouting):"Heyyyy this is for ladiesssssssssssssssss!" The man opened his zipper and whispered: "Pssst this is for ladies' use too." :o |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by okasantina on Dec 4th, 2004, 4:18am A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by ButterScotch on Dec 4th, 2004, 1:34pm [smiley=woot.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by mylane on Dec 5th, 2004, 4:03pm 5 Secrets To a Perfect Relationship: 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by scottman on Dec 6th, 2004, 3:11am it's probably ok if 1, 2 & 3 no each other -- i'ts number 4 you want to keep to your self -- just as he keeps the other 3 ladies to himself ;) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by norkay on Dec 13th, 2004, 8:35am The Husband Super Store! Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAVE to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you CAN'T go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs!!!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by norkay on Dec 17th, 2004, 9:49am Funny joke...(so bad!!! LOL) =from my friend named Mark ;D Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" The lawyer says "f**k the Boy Scouts!" The priest says, "Do we have time?" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by ButterScotch on Dec 23rd, 2004, 5:48am A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!" The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by norkay on Jan 11th, 2005, 7:48am This made me laugh really loud...keep reading ;D Elbow Grease One day,in line at the company cafeteria...... Jake says to Mike, "my elbow hurts like hell.I better go to the doctor's." Mike replies, "Listen,you dont have to spend that kind of money.There's a diagnostic computer at the chemist over the road.Just give it a sample of urine and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.It takes ten seconds and costs ten quid." So Jake deposits a urine sample in a jar and takes it the chemist.He deposits $10 and the computer asks for his sample.He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later ,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.It will improve in two weeks. That evening,Jake decided to try and fool the computer.He mixed some tap water,a stool sample from his dog,urine samples of his wife and his daughter,and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.Jake hurried to the chemist,deposited another $10,poured in his consoction and awaited for the results.The computer prints the following as results: 1. Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm.Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habbit.Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant.Isn't yours.Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop masturbating/playing with your self, your your elbow will never get better! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by norkay on Jan 24th, 2005, 11:03am The Blonde at the Elmo Factory http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v480/norkay27/head.jpg Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration, the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, ''I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles, not two testicles!!'' |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by gracia on Jan 25th, 2005, 10:05am The Most Important Discoveries Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man has never recovered. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Coochie on Jan 29th, 2005, 7:41am :D :D :DHahahaha |
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Title: Re: Funny Pics Post by norkay on Feb 1st, 2005, 11:33am http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v480/norkay27/rewardforcat.jpg How about for the wife :-/ http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v480/norkay27/makefat.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v480/norkay27/dogstuck.jpg or one of those lucky Tsunami survivors? |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by beth on Feb 1st, 2005, 4:45pm my friend went to a nice restaurant here in jakarta, he is originally from denmark. he came there with his wife and his 2 lil boys and also his younger brother. when they almost finish eating, come the waiter asking... "kiss me, sir" (his english was bad, he was trying to say "excuse me, sir") ... then my friend answered him with yucky face "what, are you nuts or something :o why should l kiss you when l had my wife here with me?" the waiters was so confuse and a asking again with stupid face... "are you finish, sir?"... then again my friend said... "nope, l'm danish"... then again the waiters give goofy face and walked by... lol [smiley=lurking.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Coochie on Feb 4th, 2005, 10:47pm or one of those lucky Tsunami survivors? aww that was my dog krissyyyyy :-[ :-[ |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by norkay on Mar 9th, 2005, 4:04pm [quote author=Coochie link=board=jokes;num=1074216804;start=40#42 date=02/04/05 at 22:47:57] aww that was my dog krissyyyyy :-[ :-[/quote] Awwww coochie....sowwy! Hurry, go and claim him,I hope he hasn't eaten with Sn Miguel wine yet! Ahahahaha! ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Analyn on Mar 14th, 2005, 8:38am "The Perfect Husband" Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and beings to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man: "Hello!" Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" Man: "Yes." Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only P60,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." Woman: "I also stoped by the Mercedes Benz dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw ne I really liked." Man: "How much?" Woman: "P6,000,000." Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is beach on the market. They're asking P16,500,000." Man: "Well, then go ahead and give tham an offer of P16,000,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra P500,000.. It really is a pretty good price.: Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!!" Man: "Bye! I love you, too!" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape... He then smiles and asks them: "ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?" (He, he, he, sagot ka ng sagot, hindi mo pala asawa ang kausap mo. Kakatayin ka ng asawa ng babae sa pagbibigay mo ng permiso at pagiging pakialamero mo) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Norkay on Apr 7th, 2005, 12:13pm From my friend Mark There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big f**king deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by isseymiyake on May 3rd, 2005, 1:16pm Chinese Q & A CHOPING: Tsik, magkano ang pera mo sa bangko? INTSIK: Titinta mil titintot titinta ititi pitot...meaning, "70,777 pesos". CHOPING: Tsik, anong numero ng telepono mo? INTSIK: Tik tik otin patay titi... meaning, "66-0-10, Pasay City". Bweeeehehehe!!!... ;D ;D ;D _________________________ Its better to get laugh wrinkles than worry warts. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Norkay on May 12th, 2005, 11:11am LOL Jojit.....LOL. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by daviefaescotland on Aug 25th, 2005, 5:39am a man is queuing at the supermarket when he notices a woman waving and smiling at him. he cant place where he knows her from,so asks if they've met she replies:"i think you might be the father to one of my children." he thinks back to the one time he was unfaithful,"are u that strip-o-gram from my stag night?" "no,"she replies."i am your son's english teacher." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Aug 30th, 2005, 3:58am Doug was leaving church after a wedding ceremony in his parish. The priest took him aside and said "Douglas, my son, it's time you join the Army of the Lord. I want to see you every Sunday." "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Father." "Then why do I only see you on weddings and baptismals?" Doug looked to the right and to the left, and then leaned over to whisper in the priest's ear "Im in the Secret Service, Father." " |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Coochie on Sep 10th, 2005, 6:09am FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY...KEEP IT CUMMING GUYS [smiley=icon_super.gif] [smiley=icon_super.gif] [smiley=icon_super.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 13th, 2005, 12:37am > I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true > story > from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording > monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk > employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect > organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a > former > WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these > conversations)! > "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" > > "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." > > "What sort of trouble?" > > "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went > away." > > "Went away?" > > "They disappeared" > > "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" > > "Nothing." > > "Nothing?" > > "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." > > "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" > > "How do I tell?" > > "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" > > "What's a sea-prompt?" > > "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" > > "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." > > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > > "What's a monitor?" > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have > a little light that tells you when it's on?" > > "I don't know." > > "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power > cord > goes into it. Can you see that?" > > "Yes, I think so." > > "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into > the > wall." > > "Yes, it is." > > "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two > cables > plugged into the back of it, not just one?" > > "No." > > "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other > cable." > > "Okay, here it is." > > "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of > your computer." > > "I can't reach." > > "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" > > "No." > > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > > "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's > dark." > > "Dark?" > > "Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in > from > the window." > > "Well, turn on the office light then." > > "I can't." > > "No? Why not?" > > "Because there's a power failure." > > "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you > still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came > in?" > > "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." > > "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it > was > when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." > > "Really? Is it that bad?" > > "Yes, I'm afraid it is." > > "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" > > "Tell them you're too fu*king stupid to own a computer." > |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 16th, 2005, 12:23am >DO YOU KNOW???????? > That if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee? > >(Hardly seems worth it.) > > >If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is >produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. > >(Now that's more like it!) > > >The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body >to squirt blood 30 feet. > >(O.M.G.!) > > >A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. > >(In my next life, I want to be a pig.) > > >A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to >death! (Creepy) > > >(I'm still not over the pig.) > > > >Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour > >(Don't try this at home, maybe at work) > > > >The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to >its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. > >("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") > > > >The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping >the length of a football field. > >(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) > > > >The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. > >(What could be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?) > > > >Some lions mate over 50 times a day. > >(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) > > > >Butterflies taste with their feet. > >(Something I always wanted to know.) > > > >The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. > >(Hmmmmmm......I'm sure the French knew about this a long time ago) > > > >Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than >left-handed people. > >(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) > > > >Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. > >(okay, so that would be a good thing) > > > >A cat's urine glows under a black light. > >(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) > > > >An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. > >(I know some people like that.) > > > >Starfish have no brains. > >(I know some people like that. I even have a friend who aspires to be >a starfish but its because he wants to lie around and do nothing all >day) > > > >Polar bears are left-handed. > >(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) > > > >Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. > >(What about that pig??) > > > >Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these >crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to >(maybe even a chuckle). ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Fart Knockers on Sep 27th, 2005, 3:43am There are 3 guys talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives; the third remains quiet. After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" THe third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked "She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man!" ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Sep 29th, 2005, 10:55pm ;DOn their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55 he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM! [smiley=icon_drink2.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 30th, 2005, 2:59am > > UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tamponsfor his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooo much cheaper.So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ WIFE VS HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to anargument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you! -------------------------------------------------------- WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Buttercup Gigle Hiney on Oct 2nd, 2005, 9:27am ;D ;D ;DGood one Witchy and Jimbo |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 5th, 2005, 2:45am Here's one more, THE ASSERTIVE WOMAN... Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up house in your castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, while dining on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't f**king think so!!! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Buttercup Gigle Hiney on Oct 5th, 2005, 6:28am ;Dha! ha! ha! ha! good one witchy [smiley=icon_dance.gif] [smiley=icon_dance.gif] [smiley=firejump.gif] [smiley=firejump.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 6th, 2005, 12:50am Thanks, Cooch! Don't worry, I will keep you in supply of humurous tales ;) A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little 'accident' and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, she was shocked to find a car salesman standing next to her. He says politely, 'Good day,Madame. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?' He answers, 'Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.' |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by earthlingorgeous on Oct 6th, 2005, 9:40am http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a248/earthlingorgeous/nosex.jpg If you can't read it squint ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by capuchino on Oct 6th, 2005, 1:15pm NO SEX CAUSES BAD EYES |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 7th, 2005, 3:12am A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Wang took one look at her and said: "Ok, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said Dr Wang, "get dow on your knees and craw reery, reery fass away from me to other side of room." Having done that, Dr Wang said: "Ok, turn row and craw reery, reery fass back to me." Once again she obliged. Dr Wang slowly shook his head. "Ok, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. "Worse case I ever see. That why you have no dates, that why you no get sex." Confused, the woman asked: "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Wang replied: "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse !" [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Oct 8th, 2005, 5:58am Just laffing at the text , cant get the punchline but how u type it is pretty funny witchy po [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Oct 9th, 2005, 2:01am A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only." [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Oct 9th, 2005, 3:38pm ;D During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub." Okay, here's your test: 1. Would you use the teaspoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket? "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon." "No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull out the stopper." [smiley=cat39.gif] dunno why it won't spell t e a s p o o n ::) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 10th, 2005, 2:56am Hey, Jimbo..I want a room with a view please!! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] Cooch, the man is Chinese so he was speaking english in his Chinese way :PEnglish translation: Ed Zachary<<<<reads exactly he said the woman's face look exactly like her arse! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] A friend send this to me as offline and I'm not sure if any of you has received this but I think it's really funny so I'm posting it anyway: "Little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! So here goes. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Oct 13th, 2005, 8:31am ;D Disappearing Wife A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Oct 16th, 2005, 4:36pm ;D Male to Female to Male one liners or two BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever. BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? BOY : I love you and I could die for you! GIRL : How soon?? BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?? MAN : You remind me of the sea. WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? MAN : NO, because you make me sick. WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Oct 17th, 2005, 6:56am |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 17th, 2005, 7:14am A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice the Lord said "because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said " build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want". The Lord said "your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challanges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me". The man thought about it for along time. Finally he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy". The Lord replied,"do you want two lanes or four on that Bridge?" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 18th, 2005, 2:12am Contagious Virus A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door." The Carburettor "The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool." Sending The Bill A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. The Wizard Of OZ The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?" Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain." "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE." There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Is Dorothy here?" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Oct 19th, 2005, 12:42am ;D Top 10 Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty 10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack. 8. Let me see your bag....OH! You're having a great night! 7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch. 5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer. 4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts. 3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth... 2. You scared me stiff! 1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor! Top 10 Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex 10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. You have less guilt the next morning. 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR! [smiley=icon_super.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Oct 19th, 2005, 1:27am ;D ;D ;DJImbo WItchy keep them cummingggggggg!!!! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Oct 20th, 2005, 12:28am ;D OH how I remember, and am guilty also ;) My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!" My Mom taught me about INDIVIDUALISM. "I bet if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too! My Mom taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet." My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My Mom taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." My Mom taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" My Mom taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about!" My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My Mom taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" My Mom taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished." My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS. "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My Mom taught me about WEATHER. "It looks like a tornado swept through your room!" [smiley=thinking2.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Oct 20th, 2005, 5:53pm ;D HAPPY HALLOWEEN A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed. Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could. She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars. Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve. When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?" He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!" uh huh, uh huh [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Oct 24th, 2005, 5:02am ;D A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor." The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die." The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance." The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?" The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000." The mom asked: "Why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!" The Un-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them. "Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names." "Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?" "He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician. "Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew." One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water." This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot. The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert." The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all of those naughty pictures." A lady went to the doctor and complained that her husband was losing interest in sex. The doctor gave her a pill, but warned her that it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in her husband's mashed potatoes at dinner, and so she does just that. About a week later, she returned back to the doctor's office and said, "That pill worked great. I put it in my husband's mashed potatoes just like you said. It wasn't five minutes later, and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor said, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize that the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." The lady replied, "Naah. That's okay. We aren't going back to Burger King anyway." [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 29th, 2005, 7:27am Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golf 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by dOnUtz 9urL on Oct 29th, 2005, 12:44pm on 10/20/05 at 00:28:36, Jimbo wrote:
roflmbo !! [smiley=roll.gif][smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Oct 30th, 2005, 5:55pm ;D ;DBeth |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Oct 30th, 2005, 5:56pm What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like , hell she's got grenade in her mouth!! [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=silly.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] |
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Title: Sex in the dark Post by wildheart41004 on Oct 30th, 2005, 6:18pm There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device...a vibrator! - soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Oct 31st, 2005, 4:12pm Buaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha [smiley=whip.gif] [smiley=whip.gif]Good one Wild!!! [smiley=icon_super.gif] [smiley=icon_super.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 1st, 2005, 2:59am Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Wife PS. If you're trying to find me, don't; your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was you look just like a man! My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Rich As Hell and Free! PS. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Nov 1st, 2005, 6:25am Love it Witchy!!Ha!ha!ha! [smiley=icon_super.gif] [smiley=icon_super.gif] [smiley=icon_super.gif] [smiley=icon_dance.gif] [smiley=icon_dance.gif] [smiley=huepfend003.gif] [smiley=huepfend003.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by earthlingorgeous on Nov 1st, 2005, 10:37am A Male point of view I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 2nd, 2005, 4:44am Good one, earthy! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] Thanks, Cooch. I'll try to supply you with one each day. I get them from friends ;D Here's one more: Secrets of a happy marriage A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop....but at the bar...you know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. "But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know,there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DUMBSHIT! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER..GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" .........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 2nd, 2005, 3:49pm :P A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind : "You take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted : "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came screeching around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?" [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 3rd, 2005, 7:51pm :P Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MEN tal breakdown MENopause GUYnocologist AND When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start withMEN? [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=detective.gif] [smiley=thinking2.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 3rd, 2005, 7:58pm ::) Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor: The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. "The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie. (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FREAKING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebecca) Azzhole. (Gary) Biatch (Rebecca) F YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! (Gary) Go drink some tea - ho (TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. [smiley=book2.gif] [smiley=freak.gif] [smiley=clown.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 3rd, 2005, 8:02pm ;D LMAO A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it." [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 4th, 2005, 5:35am Honey, you remember the headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." > > > >"No more headaches?" the husband asks. "What happened?? > > > >His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to > >stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have > >a headache; I do not have a headache,' several times. Well, It > >worked! The headaches are all gone!" > > > >The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." > > > >She then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in > >the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist > >and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try > >it. > > > >Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his > >clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts > >her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes > >into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed > >and makes passionate love to his wife -- like never before. His wife > >says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" > > > >The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back > >into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the > >first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband > >again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." > > > >With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly > >follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the > >mirror and repeatedly saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. > >She's not my wife...!" > > > >(Funeral services will be held on Monday.) > > |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 7th, 2005, 1:54am [a brilliant example of how men think on their feet.... The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!! Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh f*ck", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by earthlingorgeous on Nov 9th, 2005, 11:58am The Clinton apology speech re Monica Lewinski scandal translated into Ebonics (American English slang) Good evening. (What's up). This afternoon in this room, from this chair, Itestified before the Office of Independent Counseland the grand jury. (Today at my crib these suckers and playa-haters started grillin' me). I answered their questions truthfully, includingquestions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. (They started frontin'about my game and asking all kinds of foul shit). Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (I'm tired of these haters throwing salt in my game. I'm going to let y'all know my Mackin style tonight). As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. (Awhile back, you nosy mother f**kers wanted to know if I was hittin'ho-ass Monica's skins. You did not have any video, so if you want to believe a 10 ho, then oh well). Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms.Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. (Yeah, I was hittin' that dime dropping Bitch! She was only sucking my jimmiethough. I was stupid for messing with a young big-mouthed skank........, but don't hate me because I'm a playa). But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did i ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence. (Outside of that shit I told punk-ass AG (Al Gore) to put on gay-ass Starr, Monica and hersnitching friend, I was chill the whole time). I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (Man look,I heard she was down with what ever. She wasn't all that but I plannedto pimp her around to my boyz in the Senate). The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. (Those haters started sweatin' my homeys and my peeps. I got real pissed when they tried to make me look like I'm not real or something. As a matter of fact their shady asses are on the take anyway). This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. (Tryin' to hit me they wasted a lot of Cheddar and pissed off my Crew). Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. (I'm a pimp and playa and I'm going to be one! Get some business'. Hillary is chill because I got more than enough White Water dirt on her ass, that will get her sent up before I'm outta here). It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lifeandget on with our national life. (Quit harassing me because I'm going to Flossregardless. Just in case y'all forgot untilyou chumps ax me I'm still the shit!) Now it is time - in fact, it is past time- to move on. (f**k all y'all, I don'tgive a f**k!) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 12th, 2005, 3:25am The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, "And what does your father do?" "Oh, he's a magician," replied Johnny. "Really? And what's his best trick?" "His best trick is sawing people in half." "Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?" "Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters." ************************************************* A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies........." "You just happen to catch my eye.." [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Nov 14th, 2005, 3:42am Great jokes JIMBO, EARTHY, AND WITCHY ....Keep them cumminggggggggg ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 14th, 2005, 3:41pm ;D Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] [smiley=cat39.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 15th, 2005, 3:12am LOL, Jimbo, I wholeheartedly agree on that women's fantasy! I'm running out of good jokes here so I'm posting these for now: WATCH OUT FOR THEM VIRUSES... The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 15th, 2005, 7:39am ;D Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Nov 15th, 2005, 9:10pm ;D ;D ;D ;D ;DHAHAHAHAHA Fallen |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Need4Speed8DaleJr on Nov 16th, 2005, 12:14am on 11/15/05 at 19:08:48, Fallen wrote:
As Moderator of the ~Jokes & Humor~ Section I have Deleted some of your posts and since we have had Problems with this in the Past I would like to Warn you that "Flood" Posting of any Thread WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. You could Clearly have included most of your posts into one post as they only consisted of one or two lines, and when you post 10+ posts in any Thread without letting another member have the right to respond and/or Interact with you is a No-No here. [smiley=no.gif] While I acknowledge that your a New member here, so you might not be aware of the Rules, When you Re-Post your thoughts/jokes Please include all them within one post. If there has been no activity in a Thread in Several Days and you feel the need to create a post in a Thread where you have been the last poster, then enough time has elapsed for other members to respond and you are welcomed to post your thoughts. I would like to take this time to Welcome you to the Board. You are Welcomed and Encouraged to post in all Threads on the Board and Create new Ones as long as you Follow the Rules. One of the Goals of FreeWorld is to keep in touch with other Regulars from AC1 and to exchange ideas and thoughts from one another, when you take control of a Thread you Don't give anyone a chance to Participate along with you and that will not be Tolerated. Posting here is a Privillage and not a Right, Please take a Few Minutes and go to the "Forum Help" Section of FreeWorld and Read the Thread "Newbie Starting Point" and also go to the "News & Annoncements" Section and Read the Thread "All Members Must Read And Abide By". That will give you a better idea of the Posting Guidelines. Thank You for your Cooperation. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 16th, 2005, 1:55am Subject: Thoughts, if you have a few spare minutes! Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come Americans choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 999 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 16th, 2005, 2:07am And oh Dale, btw...it is alright if I post something here everyday even if no one has posted something else? I know a lot read this section and I just want to give them something to smile about everyday. It is not flooding, is it? Coz sometimes I only see MY posts in here? |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Need4Speed8DaleJr on Nov 16th, 2005, 2:49am on 11/16/05 at 02:07:27, Wicked_Witch wrote:
Wicked Witch, I don't mind. Go ahead...Knock Yaa Self Out. lol I Do Consider 10+ posts in a few minutes Flooding. And as you so perfectly demonstrated...you grouped all of your jokes in one post. ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Nov 17th, 2005, 1:47am ;DQuestion Mr SPeedy moderator, sometimes, when u have long line of jokes, it is easier to read by joke category rather than grouping them..and the reply box cannot take much of it so you have to use another post...Is that breaking da rule too? ??? ???Flooding the room? ??? ??? I think that is what happen with Mr Fallen..he did not mean to flood the room..if this is breaking the rule...I dont think he mean to do that...[smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif]..P.S. I just want to clarify what is the rule here...just my thoughts...lol...no harm intended!!! [smiley=icon_dance.gif] [smiley=icon_dance.gif] [smiley=icon_dance.gif] [smiley=icon_dance.gif] Whew can I drink my sex on the beach now.. [smiley=icon_drink.gif] [smiley=icon_drink.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Fallen on Nov 17th, 2005, 9:09pm I guess u dont like jokes ok ;) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 18th, 2005, 5:22am I think what Dale meant was that if a poster has several "short" line of jokes, the poster should just consider writing them all in one post and not just one short lines in every postings. I am not sure if I'm right but it's what I did in the past and he said it's how it should be done? For some reason I can't open my mail so Cooch, no jokes from me today. Hehehehe! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Nov 18th, 2005, 7:04am on 11/17/05 at 21:09:57, Fallen wrote:
Aww I like jokes Bello..just keep cummingggggggg!!!!Just put ur jokes together if they are short one..so we save space..lol [smiley=icon_thanks.gif] [smiley=icon_thanks.gif] [smiley=icon_thanks.gif] [smiley=icon_thanks.gif] [smiley=icon_thanks.gif]Make me laugh!!!Again thanks everyone for you jokes...funny funnyyyyyyy!! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 19th, 2005, 1:26am ;D A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.'' :D [smiley=clown.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 20th, 2005, 12:06pm A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: 'PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS' The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: 'PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT' The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: 'BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS' This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: 'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN' The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: 'NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00' This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: 'NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'. The Bishop was buried the next day. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by earthlingorgeous on Nov 20th, 2005, 1:09pm > >WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married >again? > > HUSBAND: Definitely not! > > WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? > > HUSBAND: Of course I do. > > WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? > > HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. > > WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). > > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). > > WIFE: Would you live in our house? > > HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. > > WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? > > HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? > > WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? > > HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. > > WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? > > HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. > > WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? > > HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. > > WIFE: - - silence - - > > HUSBAND: F**k |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 20th, 2005, 5:52pm Keep it going Witchy and Earth [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 20th, 2005, 6:02pm LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet ya know its true, lmbo ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 21st, 2005, 12:39am Lol, Jimbo! Crazy world, eh? God created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish. ........................................................................................ God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog." The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years." God granted his wish. ........................................................................................ God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. ........................................................................................ Finally God created man and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. " God granted man's wish ........................................................................................ And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him,so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren. That's Life. Isn't it? |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by daviefaescotland on Nov 21st, 2005, 4:52am [smiley=cat39.gif]EX [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by earthlingorgeous on Nov 21st, 2005, 11:01am thankies davie ;D here's more ;D MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR. EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER." ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS... AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS." A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE." ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS.... AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS." THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS." MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS. BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD. WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!" MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 22nd, 2005, 1:47am Lol, Earthy! See how insensitive louts men are?Hehehehe! Hello, Davie ex....you have yet to post a joke here. Where's your funny bone, eh? "WHO SAID WOMEN DON'T FART?" BAKED BEANS..... One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!!!" ...I fainted! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Nov 22nd, 2005, 5:58am HA HA HA THOSE ARE GREAT JOKES GUYS!!!KEEP THEM CUMMINGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!FUNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYY ;D [smiley=drummer.gif] [smiley=drummer.gif] [smiley=drummer.gif] [smiley=woot.gif] [smiley=woot.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 23rd, 2005, 7:25am Subject: DAMNNNNNNN!!!!! A study was conducted recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him, which he would ignore.Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched: - In Brussels, Belgium the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds. - In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds. - At Heathrow, London the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes. - In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds. - In Los Angeles it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched. - In Nairobi the team conducting the study was robbed on the way to the airport and the briefcase stolen along with their car! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by earthlingorgeous on Nov 24th, 2005, 11:22am [color= burgundy]The Tractor! A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did un-derstand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad." A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse . "as soon as that tractor is paid for . . " Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do some-thing like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that dang tractor is paid for." [/color] |
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Title: Shark~! Post by ChAntiQ of NarniA on Nov 29th, 2005, 9:13am Watch out for sharks! Directions: 1st look and see the shark under the water. Keep your cursor out of the picture until you see the shark. Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back. You might get wet! Click on this --------------> S H A R K ! (http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Nov 29th, 2005, 2:06pm ;D A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee." [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Dec 2nd, 2005, 5:15am :D Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying, "I think my wife's fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she's cheatin' on me with a carpenter!" Tom answered, "Yeah, I think my wife isn't faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she's cheatin' on me with a plumber!" Otis then joins in and says, "Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Leena is cheatin' on me with a horse ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mary and Betty were friends that worked in the same office. At lunch, Betty confided to her co-worker that she had an awful rift with her husband the night before. "What was it about?" asked Mary. "He was going through a closet, looking for something, and found my birth control pills." "Well?" "He had a vasectomy two years ago!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress." His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` Gary matched Dan, drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him. Gentle prodding was ignored until after downing his ninth, Dan blurted out, "OK, it's your wife." "My wife?" his friend demanded. "What about my wife?" "I think she's cheating on us." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife gives her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him; "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?". "Where did you find that?", he stutters. "I didn't", she answers. "The mail man found it on your night-stand |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by okasantina on Dec 2nd, 2005, 6:45pm on 11/17/05 at 01:47:42, CooCHie wrote:
Yeah i agree to that coochie baby [smiley=icon_drink.gif]...and as far as i know...Fallen is an old member here and just forgot his password thats why its hard for him to get back again..till he asked me about his password on how to get it back eh ... im sure he know the rules here. [smiley=idea2.gif] Anyway, i wish Fallen Savah will get back here again in the forum to post more topics for he had a slight :-X about the deletion thang eh ... Im sure Dale is just doin his work as a moderator i guess... ;D ;) ok lets go back to our regular programming! :) [smiley=icon_drink2.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Justine on Dec 8th, 2005, 6:51am Marz!!!! I swear, that scared the #$%^ out of me LOL |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Dec 11th, 2005, 7:07am A married couple are driving along a motorway doing 60 MPH, the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce" The husband says nothing but slowly increases his speed to 70 MPH. She then says, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, becaus I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a lot better at sex than you." Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up more as his anger increases. "I want the house," she insists, pushing her luck. Again the husband speeds up , now to 80 MPH. She says "I want the car too ! " but he just keeps driving faster and faster. By now he's up to 90 MPH. And I want the bank accounts and all the credit cards" The husband starts to veer towards the central reservation. This makes her a little nervous so she asks nervously "Isn't there anything you want dear?" The husband replies "No, I've got everything I need darling" Oh really," she says, "so what have you got?" Just before they smash into the central reservation at 100 MPH, the husband smiles and says........ ............"The freakin airbag ! " [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 13th, 2005, 2:02am THE OFFICE SECRETARY Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Hey, congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot! "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest Office Robot from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy cow!!! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her" So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming... "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Damn! In my excitement I forgot to tell him that her ass is a pencil sharpener!! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 14th, 2005, 1:13am A Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for dang near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those a******s from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little snits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat *ss and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by ChAntiQ of NarniA on Dec 14th, 2005, 4:14pm [smiley=frog.gif] lololol |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Fallen on Jan 3rd, 2006, 7:35pm My joke is short.............Fallen for hottest nyahahahahahahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;Dnice joke |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 7th, 2006, 10:38am BLOND'S YEAR REVIEW!!! January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!! What a year!! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Jan 7th, 2006, 4:27pm The Perfect Password: A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process,she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.... P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 9th, 2006, 4:16am Subject: Letter to Bush from Osama!!! After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he is still alive and in the game. Bush opened the letter as it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: telll the President he's holding the message upside down." “HELLO ASSHOLE” |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Leah on Jan 9th, 2006, 4:25pm A couple.. on Christmas Day morning.. Wife Brought her husband breakfast in bed and his christmas gift to open.. Wifey: Good Morning honey..Merry Christmas look what I have Breakfast in bed and your Chrismast gift to open.. Husband: Wow your such a darling gave his wife a big kiss and whisper ..breakfast later honey its Christmas lets make love.. Wifey: Oh honey but Im so excited to give you this present could you open it pretty please.. Husband: said ok ok..whats in it?? Husband open the box and found £7000.00 in Cash and 3 eggs in the box.. Husband: Wow thank you honey ..you saved this money for me .. this could go towards my new car.. But whats the 3 eggs for sweetie.. Wifey: Will honey ,,we been married for 25 years and you know ..I thought everytime we have bad sex I put an egg in the box.. Husband: (all proud of himself) ..will honey ..what can I say!!! 3 eggs in 25 years that’s not bad eh!! Wink wink Husband: Honey your such a sweetheart and save all this money for me..how did you ever managed to save this money.?? Wifey:..Will dear lovely husband..everytime I get a dozen eggs in the box I sell it.. so for 25 years I did save a handsome amount.. [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Leah on Jan 9th, 2006, 4:34pm Husband foundout his wife was having an affair with a neighbor.. He went to a Rage and look for the guy..found him a shot him.. Wife just heared that her husband just shot the guy she had the affair with..went home went absolutely mad.. Wife shouting at her husband ..Are you mad??? [smiley=rock.gif]Why did you that for??? [smiley=rock.gif] [smiley=furious3.gif]You carry on like that we gonna run out of neighbors… |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 19th, 2006, 8:46am The Parrots An elderly lady goes to her priest one day, she is distressed and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired ? They say, 'Hi, we're horny. Do you want to have sex'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're horny. Do you want to have sex?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the f*cking beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 20th, 2006, 4:31am FAIRY TALES A married couple in their 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra - the husband became 92 years old. The Moral Of The Story: Men might be ungrateful idiots.... But, fairies are....females. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by nOrKAy on Jan 20th, 2006, 4:41pm To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G: "No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad! ?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS: "Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." [Thank you very much.] G : "You're very welcome." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 24th, 2006, 6:06am IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy? Yes, Father, it is. And, who was the woman you were with? I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley? I cannot say. Was it Patricia Kelly? I'll never tell. Was it Sheilah O'Brien? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Kathleen Morgan? My lips are sealed. Was it Fiona Grogan, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now. Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, What'd you get? Three month's vacation and five good LEADS!! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 26th, 2006, 2:26pm TWO NUNS There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 27th, 2006, 4:04am A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown thebookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just love lawyers? |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 29th, 2006, 4:24am Man of the House -------------------------------------------------------------- George had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. In an assertive manner he said "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I have finished eating my meal I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax and when I am finished bathing guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?" With a stony face his wife replied "The funeral director would be my guess." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lessons in Management --------------------------------------------------------------------- A small chicken saw an eagle and asked him "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?". The eagle answered, "Sure why not." So the chicken sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. Suddenly and without warning a fox appeared, jumped on the chicken and ate it. Management Lesson - to be sitting and doing nothing you must be very, very high up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now some Puns 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home! That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Feb 7th, 2006, 1:40am Naval Retirement The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam". |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Feb 13th, 2006, 9:46pm A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. "These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me. Love, Honey Bear p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing. [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Feb 15th, 2006, 3:06am Lol, Jimbo...that was very funny! ;D A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Feb 21st, 2006, 2:35am "Terrible Times" An elderly couple were sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "We are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" She hesitates a while and then says, "Yes, three times." Three times? How did it happen?" the man asks. The wife begins slowly, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house? "Yes, that was really a terrible time," he replies. The wife continues, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" "It is hard to take," the man says, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you. What was the second time?" "Well," she continues, "do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?" "Yes, I do," the man replies. "Then you remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" the wife continues.yes," says the husband. "That shocks me too, but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But what was the third time?" The wife lowers her head and says, "Remember when you ran for Exalted Ruler of the Elks and needed 62 more votes....? |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Justine on Feb 27th, 2006, 4:42am A forwarded email I got - These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 21-year old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's 21. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh...... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on a table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check or a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Jimbo on Feb 27th, 2006, 2:53pm Headlines from the year 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Justine on Feb 27th, 2006, 10:16pm A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.'' A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they used to communicate with other computers are incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. hehe |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by wildheart41004 on Feb 28th, 2006, 1:43am > >> A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She > >>was > >> A very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew > >>very > >> little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper > >>for a > >> ranch hand. > >> Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She > >> thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she > >>decided to > >> hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the > >>house > >> than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours > >>every > >> day and knew a lot about ranching. > >> For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. > >>Then > >> one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a > >>really > >> good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick > >>up > >> your heels." > >> The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. > >>One oclock > >> came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. > >> He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the > >> rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting > >>for him. > >> She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it > >>off," she said. > >> Trembling, he did as she directed. > >> "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. > >> "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly > >>by > >> her boots. > >> "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching > >>her > >> eyes in the fire light. > >> "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was > >>told > >> and dropped it to the floor. > >> "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he > >>slowly > >> pulled them down and off. > >> Then she looked at him and said, > >> "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." > >> > |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Mar 1st, 2006, 11:40am An atheist was walking through the woods. > >"What majestic trees" > >"What powerful rivers" > >"What beautiful animals" He said to himself. > >As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the >bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge >towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over >his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. > >He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He >tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but >saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his >left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. > >At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" > >Time Stopped. >The bear froze. >The forest was silent. > >As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. > >"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist >and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to >help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? > >The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical >of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps >You could make the BEAR a Christian"? > >"Very Well," said the voice. > >The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear >dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: > >"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty >through Christ our Lord, Amen" _________________________________________________________________ |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Mar 5th, 2006, 8:34pm ;D ;D ;D ;DHahahhaa great jokes you guys!!!!keep it coming!!!! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Mar 12th, 2006, 9:10am LIFE IN THE 1500'S These are interesting. Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children! Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found t have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! ! |
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Title: Never Judge A Book By Its Cover Post by Levy on Mar 22nd, 2006, 10:29pm The Bible Salesman A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congrega-tion who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impedi-ment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, " using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?" A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Apr 2nd, 2006, 7:12am By far the best email i've read so far....For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this:(And it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed; Eddie Murphy Michael Jordan |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Apr 19th, 2006, 6:57am THE BEST POEM IN THE WORLD! I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, Nor the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners,...the trash There stood the kid from seventh grade Who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor Who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well. I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. "And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue." "Hush, child," said He, "they're all in shock. No one thought they'd be seeing you." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by blossom on Apr 21st, 2006, 6:23am NEVER SAY TO A COP: 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Apr 25th, 2006, 8:11am Wabbit An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, blushingly, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quite voice, "I don't fink my python weally givth a phuck" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Fallen on Apr 28th, 2006, 12:57pm How Many Blonde Jokes... Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: One. The rest are all true stories. ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Fallen on Apr 28th, 2006, 12:58pm When Shit Hits the Fan A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts to show him around the whole place; the tennis courts, the main lobby , when they come upon a room full of clocks.Some are going fast, some slow and some normal. " What's with all the clocks?" the guy asks his tour guide. " each clock is for each person on earth. Every time they tell a lie, their clock goes faster," he said.Well that makes sense the guy thought to himself. just then he noticed a clock on the ceiling going tremendously fast , and much faster than all the others. " what's that?" the guy said pointing to the ceiling. " Oh, that's George W Bush's clock. We use it as a fan." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on May 12th, 2006, 6:12am Got this from a friend and I want to share it with you folks coz I thought it's really funny. ANGER MANAGEMENT When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her,! I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole ..1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole ..2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on! my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Jul 11th, 2006, 5:35pm How do you all like this explanation for how a baby is born? A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll Down >http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v390/coochie_baby03/image002.gif > > > > > > You got Male! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Aug 23rd, 2006, 3:58am I copied this from a friend coz I think it's hilarious. :P I was playing golf with a friend the other day. He told me on his last business trip, he got so embarrassed at the ticket counter. The lady at the counter was so hot and had very large breast. He wanted a ticket for Pittsburgh, but what came out was,"I would like a ticket for Tittsburgh please". I told him that happens all the time, you mean to say one thing but something else comes out. It happened to me just the other day. I was having lunch with my ex-wife when i meant to say, " would you pass the salt please"? But what came out was, " you f**ken bitch, u ruined my life!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 19th, 2006, 8:06am For those men who says "Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's what women says these days "Why buy a whole pig when you can only get a sausage?" 1. Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather.... . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like Blenders... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like Mascara... . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken. The rests are handicapped. [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] [smiley=crazysmile.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Sep 27th, 2006, 8:50pm Question....If women that have large breasts work at Hooters, then where do women with one leg work??? Answer...IHOP...International House of Pancakes ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 29th, 2006, 10:05am on 09/27/06 at 20:50:59, thebeast wrote:
Ok, I'm dumb...but I really do not get the joke here, Joel? |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by thebeast on Sep 29th, 2006, 4:28pm on 09/29/06 at 10:05:51, Wicked_Witch wrote:
Edith....Women with one leg work at I HOP....I HOP...if you only had one leg how would you get around??? You would hop..like a rabbit of course. Maybe you have never heard of IHOP b4. IHOP is a place here in America that serves pancakes. Hence International House of Pancakes. Since the word International is used...I would think it would be known internationally. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Saffire_65 on Sep 30th, 2006, 12:33am Twinie when you read anything in a joke column come in prepared. Never read a joke with a frown on your face or you'll never get it. LOL ;) |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 4th, 2006, 3:14pm on 09/29/06 at 16:28:42, thebeast wrote:
Ohhhh...ok. Tnx, Joel. I told you I am a blondie sometimes. I have never heard of that place. But we have here Hobbit's House where the waiters and waitress are midgets. :P |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 9th, 2006, 10:47am A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to Arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!' He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her Seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne ." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by nOrKAy on Nov 15th, 2006, 6:40pm I got this from Tim [Lookyhereman]. Almost everyday, he makes me laugh by sending jokes through e-mail which I appreciate. This is the whole email: LOL! I wish i knew Nelsons email to send this to him! A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she finally meets a nice guy online in a chat room. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback named Nelson. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband Nelson standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 28th, 2006, 4:20am A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 1st, 2006, 7:42am A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that She was out of credit / airtime. She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy..... After junior had called, he got back to Mommy to inform her that there was a Lady that picked up Daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching Dad on the mobile. This got her very angry.... She waited impatiently for her husband to return From work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap. Then she slapped him again for good measure. People from the neighborhood Rushed to the scene to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The Woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called. Junior said: "The subscriber you have dialled is not available at present. Please try again later." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by okasantina on Dec 4th, 2006, 6:05am ;D This is gross but funny!! Eating Peanuts: One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door,their daughter came home with he date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he grows older?!" The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!" [smiley=icon_worship.gif] [smiley=clown.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Dec 5th, 2006, 9:09pm Today's the viewing." An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing." ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Dec 5th, 2006, 9:11pm on 12/04/06 at 06:05:03, okasantina wrote:
I smell Looky's hand there too Tinasan..lol ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Fallen on Dec 13th, 2006, 8:51am Ill tell u a quick one fallen is back |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by CooCHie on Dec 16th, 2006, 6:36am on 12/13/06 at 08:51:42, Fallen wrote:
[smiley=love2.gif] [smiley=love2.gif] [smiley=firejump.gif] [smiley=firejump.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] [smiley=huepfenicon111.gif] |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 28th, 2006, 8:48am Irish Priest in Texas >> Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in >>his >> new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom >>to >> get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. >> He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of >>his >> front lawn. >> He promptly called the local police station. >> The conversation went like this: >> "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" >> "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at >>St. >> Brigid's There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye >>be >> so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the >> matter?" >> Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied >>with >> a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you >> people took care of last rites!" >> There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. >> Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we >>are >> also obliged to notify the next of kin." >> >> >> |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 8th, 2007, 9:10am Dearest Friends With New Year now upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a dead Kangaroo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program. Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large Emu with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 24th, 2007, 10:52am A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be 9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be 32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.... how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by bad_day_me on Feb 7th, 2007, 3:44pm All Out of Anaesthetic ;D A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?" The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by bad_day_me on Feb 8th, 2007, 2:40pm SMOKING CONDOMS ;D Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: "What's that?" Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." Lady 1: "Where did you get it?" Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by bad_day_me on Feb 8th, 2007, 2:41pm ;D John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room-mate, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just room-mates." About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom." Lesson of the day ...Never Lie to Your Mother |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by bad_day_me on Feb 8th, 2007, 3:01pm CONDOM SLOGAN ;D ;D ;D 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER 6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT. 8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YR MONKEY 9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER 11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK 12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT 13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS 14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER 16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by wildheart41004 on Feb 8th, 2007, 11:04pm VISIT TO THE DOCTOR > >"Don't laugh!" said the patient David. "Of course I won't laugh," the >doctor said. "I'm a professional. In >over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." > >"Okay then," David said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing >the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been >bigger than the size of an AAA battery. > >Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell >laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his >feet and regain his composure. > >"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came >over me. > >On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen >again. Now what seems to be the problem?" > >"It's swollen," David replied. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by bad_day_me on Feb 9th, 2007, 9:55am ;D ;D ;D A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by wildheart41004 on Feb 9th, 2007, 4:48pm check this out....http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/ |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jun 21st, 2007, 4:15am Subject: A Cute Story About The SENIOR DRIVER Senior Driver ---by GRANDMA The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. ? ?? It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jul 10th, 2007, 1:08pm An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'' The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink? *********************************************************** A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office. Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double. The man explains the situation with his wife, and then asks for his first wish. "The first thing I want is a million dollars." The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million." The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise." The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses." The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death." |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Jul 19th, 2007, 5:09am Impregnation : Eva, a blonde city girl, marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Eva, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Eva takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Eva explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" "I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away. |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Aug 28th, 2007, 10:26am The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "I L U" written on it. She asks who left the apple, and little Anna raises her hand. "Well, sweetie, what does 'I L U' mean?" The little girl replies, "I love you." The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet?" and continues with class. The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "Y A S" written on it. She ask who left the banana and what the letters mean. Charlie raises his hand and says, "It means, 'You are special.'" "Thank you sweetheart," the teacher says. The following day, the Teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "F.U.C.K" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it. Little Gatiep raises his hand and cheerfully says, "Yes ma'am, I left it.... It means, 'From Us Colored Kids.' ************************************************ A nun, badly needing to use the rest room, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheer. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the rest room?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the rest room. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender, and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the rest room?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out! Now, how about that drink?" |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 21st, 2007, 8:05am ALL ABOUT WIVES My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. ************ My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ************ A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong . ************ I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." ************ The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. ************ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. ************ My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. ************ Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. ************ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." ************ A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine." ************ * It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. ************ * Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. ************ * A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead." ************ ** The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. ************ ** |
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Title: Re: Make Me Laugh Post by 3iNnA on Feb 2nd, 2009, 4:15am http://www.careerbuilder.com/tv/Default.aspx?cbRecursionCnt=1&cbsid=d2d9d0ba54cc4b3681c1721eb77d219f-286837271-J5-5&ns_siteid=ns_us_g_caree The most funniest commercial I seen for a long time. |
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