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Title: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on May 28th, 2004, 5:54am The following were actually taken from classified ads in the newspapers: FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ----------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG ------------------------------ 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: one 5-finger, one 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ------------------------------ TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION -- $6800 ------------------------------ COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. -------------------------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 --------------------------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents ----------------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ----------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ----------------------------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. ---------------------------------- FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 ----------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED -- CALL CHUBBIE |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on May 28th, 2004, 5:59am CRAZY WORDS Adequit work--The answer to the question of "Why Aunt Adie came home early." Gradubate - to earn a college degree for self gratification. Wopportunity; The chance to go to Burger King. Joctor; A person who specializes in sports medicine. Iniot - A dumb moron who believes that he is apart of the "in" crowd, but in reality he is to stupid to realize that he is the one always being made fun of. Downysize: to terminate the use of fabric softner. Accidontly: something you didn't mean to omit. Procreastination: The act of putting of having children because you think you will have more money to afford children if you wait awhile longer. (Truth is, you can never really afford kids). Pissamist: The act of hurrying to take a leak, and missing completely. Naggravate: The actions or words, used by a female, to irritate a male. Sexcuse: An illegitimate reason for not wanting to make love, eg: Not tonight dear, I have a headache! Fibling: A child who impulsively tells trivial lies about her brother(s) and/or sister(s). Silitary: A harmless, innocent, trivial form of national defence. Here's my effart. Saxual- relating to items purchased at Sax Fifth Avenue. athesaurus - another name for a dinosaur. sinfomercial - when busty women in tight clothes are peddling products that have nothing to do with busty women nautycal mile - the lengths to which sailors will go to stay sane. spinache - sudden nausea and loss of appetite that occurs in many children before eating their spinach. CHEEPLEADING- SOMEONE WHO'S ONLY ACTIONS ARE CHEEP AND THEY CHEER ABOUT IT. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on May 28th, 2004, 6:10am "Classic written excuses" The following are some classic written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system: "Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33." "Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She was in bed with gramps." "Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault." "Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side." "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face." "Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor." "Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over." "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him." "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part." "My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines." "Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip." "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels." "Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night." "Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating." "George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach." "Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout." "Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot." "Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals." "Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had Diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*), the shits." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on May 28th, 2004, 6:12am UK LETTERS These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK: 1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant? 7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction. 17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it. 18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on May 28th, 2004, 6:15am ADS Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by mylane on May 28th, 2004, 7:51pm ahihihihi ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on Jun 9th, 2004, 6:01am "Funny Condom Slogans" 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP! 2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER! 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY! 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT! 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER! 6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG! 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT! 8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY! 9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE! 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER! 11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK! 12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT! 13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS! 14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE! 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER! 16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER! 17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL! 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION! 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL! 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER! 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE! |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on Jun 9th, 2004, 6:03am "Drinks & Personalities" Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink. Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target. Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad! Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut: Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid. Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress. White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid). |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by cebuanalyn on Jun 9th, 2004, 7:48pm THINGS YOU'D REALLY LIKE TO SAY AT WORK 01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap. 02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce. 03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 12. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. bonus Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ... Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain... Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ... But fart just one time... |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on Jun 29th, 2004, 5:55am Double Speak A few quotes from George Carlin: 1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 24. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 25. One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people. 26. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 27. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 28. How is it possible to have a civil war? 29. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 30. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 31. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 32. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? 33. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?" 34. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 35. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? 36. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? 37. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by apric0t on Aug 26th, 2005, 6:53pm Not really sure if this is a joke, but I find this funny. I was browsing through some sites last night when I read this: "You have to be very fond of men. Very, very fond. You have to be very fond of them to love them. Otherwise they're simply unbearable." --- Marguerite Duras |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 5th, 2005, 2:17am A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward the man wondered about the source of the alluring sound. Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before. ......it was.... I'm sorry, I can't tell you either, you're not a monk!!! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by earthlingorgeous on Sep 9th, 2005, 11:45am This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by looky on Sep 9th, 2005, 7:13pm Earthy, thats too funny, I wont be asking you to to play scrabble ;D Here is a advertisement i thought you all would like, any of you girls want a FREE cat? http://carburetor-manual.com/carb-images/FREE.jpg |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by looky on Sep 10th, 2005, 2:06pm Subject: never give up too much info A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?!" "Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher"........... |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 13th, 2005, 12:26am TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." _____________ TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables! _____________ TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! _____________ TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! ______________ TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: George! ______________ TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE: Me! ______________ TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ______________ TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." Ellen: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _____________ TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." _____________ TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand." ______________ TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. _______________ TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog! ______________ TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by earthlingorgeous on Sep 13th, 2005, 9:50am looky......... thats so funny...the cat and the man... hmmm I choose the CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!! lol lets play scawbble lol...am no good... promise ... ask jeff ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 16th, 2005, 12:50am DARK IN HERE... A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here," Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: ""$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by earthlingorgeous on Sep 19th, 2005, 10:07am Clocks In Heaven A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's clock?" asked the man. The Philippine President's' clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 20th, 2005, 2:39am An old lady gets pulled over for speeding... Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Old Lady: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please? Old Lady: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Old Lady: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Old Lady: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Old Lady: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Old Lady: Bet the lying b******d told you I was speeding, too. I always knew OLD ladies are a lot smarter than people give them credit for!![smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by earthlingorgeous on Sep 26th, 2005, 9:55am IMAO witchy ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Fart Knockers on Sep 27th, 2005, 3:33am Top Five Reasons Why Computers Must be Male 5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment. 4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection 3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own. 2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. SOme uses however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system. 1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention. ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Fart Knockers on Sep 27th, 2005, 3:36am Top Five Reasons WHy Computers Must Be Female. 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. THe native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message "Bad command or filename" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accesories for it. ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by daviefaescotland on Oct 3rd, 2005, 4:47am A man escapes from prison and breaks into a house. He finds a young couple in bed and ties the man to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed,the convict kisses her neck,then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there,the husband whispers to his wife:"listen,this guy is an escaped convict.He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. "I saw how he kissed yuor neck. If he wants sex,dont resist..do whatever he tells you,no matter how much he nauseates you. "This guy is dangerous.If he gets angry,he'll kill us both.Be strong honey.I love you." His wife replied "He wasn't kissing my neck.he was whispering in my ear.He told me that he's gay,thinks your cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you to." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 6th, 2005, 12:58am Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." *********************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ********************************* On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************************* On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." ************************** At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in." ******************************* On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ******************************* On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."************************************ Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." ******************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Offic e door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ****************************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ********************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action!" *************************************************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." **************** At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." *********************************************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ********************* On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." ************************************ At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." *************************************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ***************************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ***************************************** In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." ************************************************************************** In the front yard o f a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ******************************** At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." ********************************** And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "BEST PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK!!" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by earthlingorgeous on Nov 8th, 2005, 10:22am WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by daviefaescotland on Nov 21st, 2005, 4:49am LMOA ROFL [smiley=cat39.gif]EARTH ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 22nd, 2005, 1:54am The Horse Race The Line up: In lane 1. Passionate Lady In lane 2. Bare Belly In lane 3. Silk Panties In lane 4. Conscience In lane 5. Jockey Shorts In lane 6. Clean Sheets In lane 7. Thighs In lane 8. Big Dick In lane 9. Heavy Bosom In lane 10. Merry Cherry AND THEY'RE OFF!!! Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot. AT THE HALFWAY MARK: It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick. AT THE STRETCH: Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming. AT THE FINISH: Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly slows, Thighs weakens, Heavy Bosom pulls up, and Clean Sheets never had a chance. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by earthlingorgeous on Nov 24th, 2005, 11:15am Choosing a marriage partner A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remai nder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. |
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Title: Go ahead do it Post by Jhay on Nov 23rd, 2005, 8:23am Go Ahead Do It [smiley=icon_dance.gif] George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy." The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy." [smiley=icon_super.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 30th, 2005, 1:28am When I'm an Old Lady >When I'm an old lady I'll live with each kid > And bring so much happiness...just as they did. > I want to pay back all the joy they've provided, > Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! > (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) > > > > I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues, > > I'll bounce on the furniture while wearing my shoes. > I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out, > I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll > shout! > (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) > > > > When they're on the phone and just out of reach, > I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. > Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their > head, > And when that is done, I'll hide under the bed! > (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) > > > > When they cook dinner and call me to eat, > I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, > I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, > And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able! > (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) > > > > I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll > click, > I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick. > I'll take off my socks and throw one away, > And play in the mud until the end of the day! > (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) > > > > And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, > I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes, > My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, > > And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's > sleeping!" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by dOnUtz 9urL on Nov 30th, 2005, 11:29am 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 15. Fire hydrant icon: simply frustrating. 14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. 13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee. 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging. 10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb. 9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome 8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand... 7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software. 6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test. 5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question! 4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever. 3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg. 2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. AND The NUMBER 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers... 1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. Translation -> Too Dang Hard To Type With Paws. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by ChAntiQ of NarniA on Dec 4th, 2005, 2:38pm I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just fine" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: " Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. " Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by MissFartyPants on Dec 4th, 2005, 3:14pm on 12/04/05 at 14:38:41, ChAntiQ of NarniA wrote:
LMAO. Awww thanks for the laugh ---- desperately needed one to cheer me up. Good one! |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by ChAntiQ of NarniA on Dec 6th, 2005, 7:22pm Haha i know when I read it the 1st time I burst out laughing too. Glad it cheered you up Cath. :) |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 7th, 2005, 2:21am Hahahahahahahaha!! Hahahahahhaha! Sheez...I love them, Amiga and Jimbo!! I made my daughter read them with me and we were both laughing so hard here!!! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by ChAntiQ of NarniA on Dec 7th, 2005, 4:40am One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?" The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Justine on Dec 8th, 2005, 6:47am on 12/06/05 at 19:22:44, ChAntiQ of NarniA wrote:
I'm actually wiping my screen marz....I never learn, I should not be touching my drink when I know I would laugh LOL |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Justine on Dec 8th, 2005, 6:49am LOLOLOL.....LOLOLOL....LOLOLOL......why haven't I visited this section when I needed to laugh more LOL |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Justine on Dec 11th, 2005, 8:23pm LOLOL Jimbo....I recently discovered how cool having this site is. Always nice having some good laughs, especially after going through a long day. And it's nice to find you here. Haven't seen you in the room for ages. Hope all is well with you ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 13th, 2005, 1:38am Why Engineers will Rule the World ?? Understanding Engineers - Take One Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway." Understanding Engineers - Take Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers - Take Three A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such Inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers - Take Four What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers - Take Five The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers - Take Six Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The Nervous System has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?" Understanding Engineers - Take Seven Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers - Take Eight An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." -- |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 14th, 2005, 1:38am Subject: FW: New EUR-English > > >> >> >>European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English >>will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, >>which was the other possibility. >> >>As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that >>English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a >>5- year phase-in plan that would become known as " Euro-English". >> >>In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this >>will make the sivil servants jump with joy. >> >> >>The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up >>konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. >> >> >>There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the >>troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words >>like fotograf 20% shorter. >> >> >>In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be >>expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. >> >>Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have >>always ben a deterent to akurate speling. >> >>Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the >>languag is disgrasful and it should go away. >> >>By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing >>"th" with "z" and "w" with "v". >> >>During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords >>kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. >> >>Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu >>understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. >> >>Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted >>in ze forst plas. >> >>If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. >> >> >>"The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by ChAntiQ of NarniA on Dec 14th, 2005, 4:21pm LMAO U guys should read the whole thing Woowoo posted before this, OUT LOUD ROFLMAO J sounded like a cross between a gay german & a French effemme ROFLMAO |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 15th, 2005, 4:37am The ingeniuses of some people in creating jokes such as this never failed to amaze me, amiga!! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by mixin4livin on Dec 15th, 2005, 1:40pm BEST SMS OF THE YEAR How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins. Second Best Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying. Third Best SMS Boys go to college to develop the mind, girls go to college to catch them before this happens. [smiley=icon_super.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Jimbo on Dec 15th, 2005, 2:33pm on 12/11/05 at 20:23:31, Justine wrote:
Thank you Justine.. I have been working 10 hours a day, so not much time to chat..I love to laugh before a long day, it kinda sets my attitude :D I have been doing great...Happy belated birthday [smiley=flower.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Jimbo on Dec 15th, 2005, 2:35pm ;DTEN WORST GIFTS TO BUY A WOMAN 1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.) 2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart. 3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys." 4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas. 5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend. 6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names. 7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies. 8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day. 9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. 10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law. [smiley=clap.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Jimbo on Jan 4th, 2006, 2:13am A man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” she asks. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with long dark hair, long legs, firm tits, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?" "Never mind her, let's look for yours!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. The next-door neighbor protested, Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. The wife replied, Yes, but who wants HIM back? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a police car pulled up to grandpa's house and grandma got out. The officer explained that this elderly woman said she was lost in the park. ''Why, ma,'' said Grandpa, ''You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?'' Leaning close to Grandpa so the police officer couldn't hear, she whispered, ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~ The wife yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you! and never see you agian" He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?" [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=moped.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 7th, 2006, 10:42am ON A COLD WINTER NIGHT..... Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of >> the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as >> far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and >> gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. >> >> After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on >> his door. He opens it and sees a huge bearded man standing there. >> >> "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a >> Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About >> five o'clock". >> >> "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some >> local folks. Thank you." >> >> As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ...... be some >> drinkin'." >> >> "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business I can >> drink with the best of em." >> >> Again the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna >> be some fightin' too." >> >> "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. >> Thanks >> again." >> >> "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." >> >> "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, really warming to the >> idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. >> By the way, what should I wear?" >> >> "Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by thebeast on Jan 12th, 2006, 1:08am A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "Okay, mister, but this is a private club, so slip 20 bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Jimbo on Jan 16th, 2006, 2:25pm A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia -- making love to a dead woman. The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!" The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons: #1, It's none of your damn business #2, She was my wife and ... #3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!" [smiley=spank.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by nOrKAy on Jan 18th, 2006, 11:27am Got this from my cousin: Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 4-days and if it doesn't come, means you are in big trouble. Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology? A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology. Q: What's the height of recycling? A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning. Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised? Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day. Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters The girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten? The boy's hand Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed His clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"? The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front!" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 19th, 2006, 8:39am The Salesman > > >A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be > > >confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. > > > > > > > > > "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple > > >minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest > > >in high-powered vacuum cleaners." > > > > > > > > >"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she > > >proceeded to close the door. > > > > > > > > >Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and > > >pushed it wide open. > > > > > > > > >"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my > > >demonstration." > > > > > > > > >And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her > > >hallway carpet. > > > > > > > > >"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse > > >sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." > > > > > > > > >"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good appetite, > > >because the electricity was cut off this morning." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by nOrKAy on Jan 19th, 2006, 9:47am Witchy, yukk! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 20th, 2006, 4:22am Quote:
Do not forget to use napkins. Hehehe! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Homeless Man Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex!! |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 26th, 2006, 2:32pm Two old men feeling they are closer to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, "I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. "These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference." The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, why would you think that? " Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was making love to her ." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A witch!!!! Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window." *************************************************************** |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 27th, 2006, 4:00am > The Seven Dwarfs > > > > The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an > > audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see > > the Pope. > > Dopey leads the pack. > > > > "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" > > > > Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in > > Rome?" > > > > The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment,and > > answers, > > "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." > > > > In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around > > and gives them a glare, silencing them. > > > > Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of > > Europe?" > > > > The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, > > "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." > > > > This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. > > > > Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. > > > > Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf > > nuns any where in the world?" > > > > After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds,"I'm sorry my son, > > there're no dwarf nuns > > anywhere in the world." > > > > The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling,laughing and pounding > > the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin > > chanting...... > > "Dopey shagged a penguin!" > > "Dopey shagged a penguin!"................ |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Feb 7th, 2006, 1:49am > > One day my housework-challenged > husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds > after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted > to me, "What setting do I use on the washing > machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it > say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of > Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb... > > > "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says > as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do > you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the > lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for > your money," she replied. > > He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? > She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the > ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. > > Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, > sensitive man? > A: A rumor > > A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were > celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their > special day a good fairy came to them and said that > because they had been so good that each one of them > could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip > around the world with her husband. Whoosh! > Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her > hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 > years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned > ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! > > A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to > understand my man; Love to forgive him; And > Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray > for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN > Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are > practicing to be men. > > Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: > Trustworthy. > > Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed > gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You > did not hold the pillow down long enough. > > Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their > males after mating? > A: To stop the snoring before it starts. > > Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the > toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they > need to wipe. > > Q: What is the difference between men and women? > A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. > A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. > > Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your > e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction > Manuals" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Mar 1st, 2006, 11:50am SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Mar 14th, 2006, 1:54am 1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. A LIFE sentence. 2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind. 3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master’s. 4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer…ing. 5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens. 6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead. 7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. 8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes. 9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. 10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE! 11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. 12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense. 13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. 14. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is. 15. Confucius says: Man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink. 16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe. 18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 19. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent. 21. I married Miss right, I just didn't know her first name was Always. 22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer. 23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 24. A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all - money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then... POW! It was all gone.” “What happened,” asked his friend. He says, “My wife found out.” 25. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on. 26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.” 27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished. 28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Mar 17th, 2006, 2:28am 1. An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, Have you ever been arrested? He answered,No. The next question, intended for people, who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was Why? The applicant answered it anyway: Never got caught. 2. Employer to applicant: In this job we need someone who is responsible. Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. 3. Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work? I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months. 4. Judge to defendant: Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time? Defendant: Well, you come every day. 5. Why did the man wear a wet shirt? Because the shirt's label said: Wash and wear. 6. Q: Which city is trying to get rid of its mad people? A: Madrid. 7. A teacher was testing the young student's intelligence. When is your birthday dear? asked the teacher to his six-year old. 22nd February, said the child. What year my dear? Asked the teacher. Every year, said the child with a smile 8. Sunny: My mom took me to the cemetery last Sunday. Sonia: Oh! anyone dead? Sunny: Yes All of them 9. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Opportunity. Can't be. Why Not? Opportunity knocks only once. 10. Q: What is the best place to go to when you are dying? A: The living room. 11. Q: When can 60 people stand under an umbrella without getting wet? A: When it isn't raining. 12. Raju: How many sides does a circle have? Ravi: A circle does not have any side. Raju: Yes, it does, the inside and the outside. 13. Q: Why are doctors and lawyers never perfect? A: Because they are always practicing. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Mar 22nd, 2006, 3:06am Some Irish Jokes. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by nOrKAy on Apr 20th, 2006, 1:07pm This was sent by Tim [Lookyhereman]. He always shares his jokes to me through e-mail. ;D Yoga in India http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b234/kriswen/image001.jpg Yoga in Kentucky http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b234/kriswen/image002.jpg |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by blossom on Apr 22nd, 2006, 7:47am THIS IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WOMEN CONTROL THE WORLD!!! http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/blossom0616/joke7.jpg http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/blossom0616/joke8.jpg http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/blossom0616/joke9.gif http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/blossom0616/joke10.jpg http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/blossom0616/joke2.jpg http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/blossom0616/joke4.jpg http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/blossom0616/joke3.jpg http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/blossom0616/joke1.jpg |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Apr 25th, 2006, 8:14am A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,(mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. " ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Fallen on Apr 28th, 2006, 1:02pm When Shit Hits the Fan A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts to show him around the whole place; the tennis courts, the main lobby , when they come upon a room full of clocks.Some are going fast, some slow and some normal. " What's with all the clocks?" the guy asks his tour guide. " each clock is for each person on earth. Every time they tell a lie, their clock goes faster," he said.Well that makes sense the guy thought to himself. just then he noticed a clock on the ceiling going tremendously fast , and much faster than all the others. " what's that?" the guy said pointing to the ceiling. " Oh, that's George W Bush's clock. We use it as a fan." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Fallen on Apr 28th, 2006, 1:02pm Mailmen Get it Regular A husband comes home early from work and catches his wife in bed with the mailman. Before they detect him, he sneaks back into the hall, finds the mail bag, steams open the letters, inserts coupons from his rug-cleaning business, and seals them tight. "Ha ha ha," he snickers, "that lazy mailman who is shirking his duties works for me now!" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Apr 29th, 2006, 7:18am Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Fallen on Apr 30th, 2006, 1:20pm Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted. ;D ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on May 22nd, 2006, 1:54pm This is from a friend...... I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jimmy the computer guy, to come over. Jimmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that . in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jun 22nd, 2006, 8:19am As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have big boobs or a huge willy. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomitting long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, that is unless we are celebreties. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place! I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in you house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon - all the less important ones just never go away. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jun 28th, 2006, 8:23am The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. . Two men and a woman.... For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. . Kill Her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instr! uctions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, bang! ing on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: WOMEN ARE EVILS!! DON'T MESS WITH THEM!! |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jul 10th, 2006, 9:22am Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied A man in the water off the port bough - clearly being menaced by a very Large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat Along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away. As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country." "Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by ChAntiQ of NarniA on Jul 11th, 2006, 9:50am A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a Where are you going?" he asks. She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. And where do you think YOU are going? she asks. He replies, "I decided to come along....... I want to see how you live on $800 a year |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by okasantina on Aug 2nd, 2006, 12:08pm LIZARD BIRTHING If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we finaly understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. >> 1 - Lizards - $140... >> 2 - Cage - $50... >> 3 - Trip to the Vet - $30... >> 4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless~! Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by okasantina on Aug 2nd, 2006, 12:17pm Subject: Ghost sex > > Ghost sex > > A professor at the University of Kentucky was > giving a lecture of the > supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he > asks, "How many people > here believe in ghosts?" > > About 90 students raise their hands. > > "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who > believe in ghosts, > do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" > > About 40 students raise their hands. > > "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this > seriously. Has anyone > here ever talked to a ghost?" > > About 15 students raise their hand. < BR> "Has > anyone here ever touched > a ghost?" > > 3 students raise their hands. > > "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question > further...Have any of > you ever made love to a ghost?" > > Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The > professor takes off his > glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been > giving this lecture, no > one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. > You've got to come up here and tell us about your > experience." > > The big redneck student replied with a nod and a > grin, and began to make > his way up to the podium. When he reached the front > of the room, the > professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like > to have sex with a > ghost?" > > Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I > thought you said "Goats!" :o ;D ;D |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Aug 22nd, 2006, 12:13pm Joke # 1--- Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. Joke # 2 - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. (This guy actually sued the maker of the motor home because the manual didn't specifically say that he couldn't put the motor home on cruise control and go in the back...and even more astounding he WON!) Joke # 3 - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" Joke # 4 - Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. Joke # 5 - A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer.".. Dispatcher: Oh shit! Rush him in to emergency! Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 9th, 2006, 10:51am I was so poor growing up... If I wasn't a boy... I'd have nothing to play with. 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. 3. During s*x, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy,"Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early". 5. It's been a rough day I got up this morning... Put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." 11. I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born. 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. 13 Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. 15. I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 18 With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?"He told me to run off a cliff. 19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control. 20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 28th, 2006, 4:22am > Subject: Fw: UNCLASSIFIED:-Medical Tales > > >> >> >>> >>> >> >> >>> >>>A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in >>>the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's >>>dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there >>>were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. >>> >>>Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX >>> >>> >>> >>>At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and >>>slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I >>>instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. >>> >>>Dr.Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA >>> >>> >>> >>>One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her >>>husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five >>>minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he >>>had died of a "massive internal fart." >>> >>>Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada >>> >>> >>> >>>I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I >>>placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your >>>right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly >>> >>>"Now your left." Again, a flawless read. >>> >>>"Now both," I requested. >>> >>>There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I >>>turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was >>>standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to >>>finish the exam. >>> >>>Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA >>> >>> >>> >>>During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, >>>he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his >>>medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put >>>on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put >>>it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't >>>see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the >>>instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. >>> >>>Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA >>> >>> >>> >>>I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your >>>breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. >>>I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked >>>to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY >>>Jelly." >>> >>>Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI >>> >>>and my fav!!!! >>> >>>A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple >>>hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and >>>wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the >>>patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate >>>surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the >>>staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there >>>was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was >>>completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, >>>which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 1st, 2006, 7:45am Paddy was terribly overweight so he went to see his doctor, who put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.” When Paddy returned two weeks later, the doctor was shocked to see he had lost nearly 60 pounds! “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” Paddy nodded, “Yes, but I’ ll tell you what though, bejasus, I t’aut I were going to drop dead dat tird day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skippin’ !!!!!” |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by okasantina on Dec 4th, 2006, 6:11am The Perfect Man: A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank!" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy! " Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake." Passenger: "Hmmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel wonderful and he never answered her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank " Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow." ;D ::) |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Dec 28th, 2006, 8:57am A man went to see a doctor. Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?" Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 8th, 2007, 9:19am A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart." |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by RJ on Jan 8th, 2007, 10:36am |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 24th, 2007, 10:54am SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by bad_day_me on Feb 7th, 2007, 3:36pm ;D ;D ;D The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN. At each commercial, unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed. If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change the channel except during scud attacks (see below). If someone says, "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last person to salute takes a shot. If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot. That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded. If someone says, "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout "Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forgo the next "scud." The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the wrong city must also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the error. Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout "woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer. A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase "ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first person to grab the shot gets it. Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel. |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by bad_day_me on Feb 7th, 2007, 3:40pm ;D ;D ;D The Stealth Missile in Action The war in the Persian Gulf has brought about the use of many new high-tech American weapons, weapons that until now had never been tested in combat. Most of these weapons have met with astonishing success, but none with as much success as the Stealth Missile. The Stealth Missile has the ability to avoid all forms of detection, not just electronic, but visual as well. Here is a video, recently released by the military, of the Stealth Missile in action. [Scene: Iraqi war room. Several Iraqi officers are discussing a map of the middle east.] Officer : So it is decided! We will launch more SCUDs at Tel Aviv tonight! [A knock at the door.] Officer : Who is it? Voice : Mr. Al-Hakbarrraazzer...? Officer : What did you say? Voice : Mr. Hussezzakbaghdiz...? Officer : I can't understand you! Who is this? Voice : Plumber... Officer : We don't need a plumber! We no longer have running water! Voice : Candygram... Officer : Okay, wise guy! Who is this really? Voice : CNN reporter... Officer : Oh! Okay, you can come in! [The officer opens the door revealing a missile wearing a trenchcoat and Groucho glasses. It flies into the room and detonates.] Now aren't you glad your Congress voted the appropriations? |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Jul 19th, 2007, 5:11am There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted weights, and jogged six miles everyday. One morning, he looked in the mirror and admired his body. He noticed that he was sun-tanned all over, except his penis, which he decided to do something about. That afternoon he went to the beach, got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Two old ladies came walking along the beach. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, one old lady began to move it around with her care, remarking to theother old lady, saying, "You know, there really is no justice in the world." The other lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The old lady said, "Look at that, when I was 20. I was courious about it, when I was 30, I enjoyed it, when I was 40, I asked for it, when I was 50, I paid for it, when I was 60, I prayed for it, when I was 70, I forgot about it and now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat!" |
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Title: Re: RANDOM Jokes Post by Wicked_Witch on Aug 28th, 2007, 10:29am The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!" *********************** The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in >>> the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for >>> joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down >>> along with her. >>> >>> She said, "I have some really great news!" >>> >>> I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." >>> >>> She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up >>> and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying >>> for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for >>> you!" >>> Then she said, "There's more." >>> >>> I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" >>> >>> She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to >>> have TWINS!" >>> >>> Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked >>> her how she knew. She said.... >>> >>> "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually >>> had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!" >>> > ******************************** |
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