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        On the Lighter Side >> Jokes & Humor >> The 3 Scientists, The Pig & The Monkey
        
(Message started by: teagirl on Jul 21^st, 2004, 3:56am)

Title: The 3 Scientists, The Pig & The Monkey
Post by teagirl on Jul 21^st, 2004, 3:56am

did you hear the one about the three scientists having a bet.....?

right then...........

three scientists were pondering one day whilst
doing their various experiments...one says to the other whilst mindlessly
pouring various acids into each of the acids....

how big would a pig get before it let blow if you shoved a cork up its bum....

the three scientists pondered this and the next day a pig came into the lab......one
judiciously plugged a cork into the pigs bottom then started to take notes....
the next day they took more notes..... and it was getting bigger....

the next day they were still taking notes...... and the pig was getting even
bigger.......

the next week the pig was quite a bit bigger and still growing ......
and they were still taking notes..........

the next week the pig was huge.......getting
bigger ..... and they were still taking notes........

the next week the pig was massively huge......getting bigger.......
and they were still taking notes.......they decided to move
the pig outside under shelter and carried on taking notes..........

the next week the pig was the size of an airship.......
one scientist said to the other..... 'i'm not sure we should carry this
on much longer... the pigs looks to be in a bit of pain.....'

reluctantly, the others agreed.......but they needed to uncork the
pig........so they trained a monkey..........

the next week the monkey was fully trained and
given a little badge with 5 gold stars and a big yellow 'M' on it
(for Monkey, what else were you thinking....) - the monkey was pleased.....

the day before the uncorking the scientists
were talking amongst themselves......'i bet you' one said
'that the shit will go for a whole mile when it comes out.....'
.......the others laugh.....

another says - 'no, i bet you 1000pounds that it goes for two miles......'

the last scientist says - 'no, thats bollocks i bet 5000pounds (he was well paid) that it'll go
for at least three miles........

' the others laugh - 'youre on'....

the bet was set.......

the next day the land was cleared of obstruction and the monkey placed in position
on a special platform..... three lights at the ready..... which he knew well....he didn't
have 5 gold stars for nothing you know.....the scientists all took their positions at 1, 2 and 3 miles respectively.......the countdown began.........

10....9.......8.....7.......6....5......4.....3......2......1.......0 -----

BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBB - PPPPPHPHHPHPPHHPPRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT

the shit went everywhere.........absolutely everywhere..........

the third scientist at 3 miles was up to his ankles in shit, swilling around the test site...........he took notes and started to wade forward.........he reached the second scientist at two miles away, he was up to his waist in pig shit - he was taking notes......and was pissed off that he owed the third scientist 5000pounds............they called for a boat...as it was to deep to wade on.....

the boat arrives, they both get in and start towards the first scientist at one mile from the blast site.................he was up to his chin in pig shit if he'd have been stood up..... but no, he was doing the backstroke laughing his head off madly..........

they ask him........'why are laughing so much...... you were the furthest out from the result you lost a big bet and you owe 5000pounds !'

still laughing the first scientist says - 'i know i was wildly out with my calculations, i owe you 5000pounds but it was worth every cent &error........'

the others ask 'why'...........

the first scientist says whilst laughing........

'You should've seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!!!'

Title: Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
Post by MissFartyPants on Jul 21^st, 2004, 4:49am

umm no i've yet to hear about this story........... AND much too lengthy for me to read. ;D

this joke is unmistakably english. 8)

Title: Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
Post by teagirl on Jul 22^nd, 2004, 2:08am

Yep. As told by a strange Englishman who looks like Bruce Vilanch.

Title: Circle Flies
Post by teagirl on Jul 22^nd, 2004, 2:09am

A farmer in Indiana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Title: 11
Post by teagirl on Jul 22^nd, 2004, 2:16pm

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. Man: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

Man: "Is it common?"

Doc: "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Title: Nudist Colony
Post by teagirl on Jul 22^nd, 2004, 2:33pm

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No. What do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man
"No. What do you mean?” says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where the smiling, naked receptionist greets him. "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

Title: Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
Post by killerabbit on Jul 22^nd, 2004, 10:19pm

???I dont get it ??? ???

Title: Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
Post by teagirl on Jul 23^rd, 2004, 1:45am

on 07/22/04 at 22:19:25, killerabbit wrote:

???I dont get it ??? ???

which joke you didnt get, wabbit?

Title: OuTrAnKeD
Post by teagirl on Jul 25^th, 2004, 7:47am

The airline passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your traypoo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, bitch."

Title: Inconsiderate American Soldier
Post by teagirl on Aug 23^rd, 2004, 4:52am

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

Title: The Door Stopper
Post by teagirl on Aug 29^th, 2004, 6:18pm

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

Title: ROFLMAO
Post by teagirl on Sep 15^th, 2004, 5:58pm

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says,

"It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Title: Put a Smile On
Post by scottman on Sep 16^th, 2004, 4:16pm

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polar-oid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Na-Cho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro-Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

Title: Re: the 3 scientists, the pig & the monkey
Post by teagirl on Sep 17^th, 2004, 1:31am

Nawwwww, I was ROFLMAO, Scotty...LOL

Title: Democrat vs. Republican
Post by scottman on Sep 21^st, 2004, 6:47pm

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like many
others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and
was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her
father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition
to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare
programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the
occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had
obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought
should be his.

The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be
the truth and she indicated so to her father. He stopped her and asked
her point blank, how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know
that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had
time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even
have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends
because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more
difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary
doing?"

She replied, "Mary is barely getting by. She barely has a 2.0 GPA and
all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. Mary is very
popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She goes to all the
parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes
because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your
friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a
3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of
GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did
without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked
real hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said...

"Welcome to the Republican Party."

Title: Clever Retort
Post by TeaGirl on Oct 6^th, 2004, 7:13pm

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

Title: By year 2020
Post by TeaGirl on Oct 26^th, 2004, 9:11pm

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Title: Best Feature
Post by TeaGirl on Oct 26^th, 2004, 9:14pm

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,

"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!"

Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me."

Title: Assassins
Post by teagirl on Mar 19^th, 2005, 7:59am

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Title: The Old Lady & The Frog
Post by teagirl on Apr 5^th, 2005, 9:50am

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS?

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!