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        On the Lighter Side >> Jokes & Humor >> Lovingly Yours Madam M
        
(Message started by: mylane on Nov 4th, 2004, 10:47pm)
Title: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Nov 4th, 2004, 10:47pm
Aloha, Madam M is here, your fairgaymother at your service from the land of Turkmenistan just to spread the love and beauty in your land ;D

If you have a problem or any suggestion don't hesitate to pop a question, when it comes to heart, fashion and beauty tips problem.

Write your Madam M ;D


Okie we have a first letter now....wow that was fast.


Dear Madam M,

I'm 31 yrs. old and I always want to maintain my young looks, In short Madam M, I always wanna be young. What am I going to do? Thank you very much Madam M. Hope you can help me with my problem.

Lovingly yours,
Baby Ina


Dear Baby Ina,

Your problem is very simple. All  you have to do is wear a diaper everyday then buy some pacifier, then put it in your mouth. And then crawl always, don't walk. I'm sure if someone saw you, they will think that you are so very young.


Your Madam M.
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Nov 6th, 2004, 8:34am
okie I just received another letter from Jockey Tyan.

Dear Madam M,

We all know that Horse shampoo is quite popular at this moment. Its not only to thicken the hair, but it strengthen it as well and also gives a wonderful shining hair. But due to the popularity and  the admiration of the public,  there are lots of fake, imitation, duplication, counterfeit etc etc...that are now manufacturing fake horse shampoo.

How can I know that what I buy isn't a fake one? or How would I know it is fake?

Lovingly yours,
Jockey Tyan

Hi Jockey, Yes, theres a lot of fakes horse shampoo that are now spreads to the public in groceries...drugstores..etc

Well,  I will list down some of the methods and indications to know if you bought a fake horse shampoo.

First, if you saw the picture of Richie de Horsie or Roderick Paulate aka Petrang kabayo on its label ---- its FAKE.

Second, if its stated that "Breastmilk is still best for Babies ---- again its FAKE

Third, if the label of the shampoo has a Horse with a tabacco on its mouth --- gosh its a FAKE ( shampoo ng kapre na bili mo)

Fourth, if u tried to drink the shampoo and it didn't bubbles in your mouth --- its FAKE

Fifth, if u tried using the said shampoo and suddenly after using it you BARK, PURR or do some weird animal action  ..pls go to the nearest Veterinary Clinic for immediate medication. You can consult thebeast aka Joel---its fake

Sixth, if you suddenly  feel flaky on your scalf or you grow some scales in your scalp thats a shokoy shampoo--- its a FAKE

Lastly, If u use the  'shampoo', and yet u see Mike Arroyo, Angelo Reyes, Javit Singson,  Bishop Soc Villegas, Fernando Poe Jr and  si Armida Siguion-Reyna, and eager to eat them all!! and you walkin in a  L-shaped position my goodness! At last!!! , its not a FAKE anymore!

Madam M
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by KiAnNa on Nov 6th, 2004, 8:51am


Dear Madam M,
     
   Hello. Good day. I heard about your advice column from my bestfriend. Gee, you're getting popular already. People love your expert advices and the positive outlook you have for any situation. Let me take this opportunity to congratulate you.  ;D Anyway, the advice I am going to ask you is not for me but for a friend. You see, my friend here thinks that she have fallen in-love with this guy. Only that she's afraid that this guy doesn't feel the same way she does. She doesn't want to tell him for fear of losing him as a friend. And besides, my friend thinks the guy is in-love with another woman. I told her that  if the guy do feel the same for her, then the guy must've confessed to her already but so far he hasn't. So I advised her that she should just give up on him, before things get more complicated. Was I right in telling her so? Or do you have a more sensible advice? Thanks in advance Madam M. I'll be waiting for your reply.  
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Nov 6th, 2004, 9:35am

on 11/06/04 at 08:51:21, KiAnNa wrote:
Dear Madam M,
     
   Hello. Good day. I heard about your advice column from my bestfriend. Gee, you're getting popular already. People love your expert advices and the positive outlook you have for any situation. Let me take this opportunity to congratulate you.  ;D Anyway, the advice I am going to ask you is not for me but for a friend. You see, my friend here thinks that she have fallen in-love with this guy. Only that she's afraid that this guy doesn't feel the same way she does. She doesn't want to tell him for fear of losing him as a friend. And besides, my friend thinks the guy is in-love with another woman. I told her that  if the guy do feel the same for her, then the guy must've confessed to her already but so far he hasn't. So I advised her that she should just give up on him, before things get more complicated. Was I right in telling her so? Or do you have a more sensible advice? Thanks in advance Madam M. I'll be waiting for your reply.  


Hi Girl, Thanks.

I never realized that my column is that popular, again thanks for the info I better ask some raise from my publicist.

Dang girl, your question is not so easy. It needs  futher investigation for the clarification of the situation before we arrive in the conclusion for the materialization of the said problem modification for the realization before the ejuculation.

Anyway, I don't know what qualities of this guy that made your frend fall for him. But you need to know the guy better before you conclude that your inlove with this guy.

1. Are you sure that he is a real guy? You know, theres a lot of gays now and you don't even know if they are gays or guys since they all behave and dress the same.

2. Are you sure that he is inlove with another woman and not with another man? Does he watch porn movies?

3. If you confess your  love to him and he dump you,  well dump him too. Get even.  Doesn't matter who dump first all it matters is you dump him too.

4. If you really wanna know his feeling towards you, let him drunk intentionally, gave him lambanog BUT make sure the lambanog has no formalin or else  you will never know his real feelings anymore.

5. Stop playing games with your own mind, Girl. Once and for all settle this matter. Talk to him. If the feeling is not the same then give him a fake horse shampoo.

6. Since you mentioned another woman, is this another woman also inlove with this guy? If you knew this another woman....give her a fake horse shampoo too.

7. Have drink with him. Talk to him straight. Ask him if he likes you as frend or morethan frends. But make sure you got a real horse shampoo if you don't like his answer...lput some of it to his drink them leave him.

Your Madam M
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by KiAnNa on Nov 6th, 2004, 9:53am

Thanks.  ;D   ;D  ;D Now that "horse shampoo" sounds very intriguing. I think I'm gonna go buy 1.  ;D  :P (silly mood, sorry.)
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by okasantina on Nov 7th, 2004, 6:45pm
Dear Miss M,

    Im a serious avid fan of ures...i ahve a very big crush on this dude..but he dont know it...how can i let him notice me if we only met in the room. geesh....he makes me chill really...hehehe...i hope u would give me some tips on how to deal w it....lol! Thanks Miss M. lol!

its me,

Sharon Stain  ;D
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by TeaGirl on Nov 7th, 2004, 9:10pm
Dear Madam M:

Why is adult life so difficult and scary?


Yours truly,

Patty O. Fern-Nichor
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Nov 8th, 2004, 11:08am

on 11/07/04 at 18:45:30, okasantina wrote:
Dear Miss M,

    Im a serious avid fan of ures...i ahve a very big crush on this dude..but he dont know it...how can i let him notice me if we only met in the room. geesh....he makes me chill really...hehehe...i hope u would give me some tips on how to deal w it....lol! Thanks Miss M. lol!

its me,

Sharon Stain  ;D


Dear Sharon Stain,

Since you said this guy makes you chill so we might as well call him ICEMAN.

First I have a question for you Sharon, Are you sure ICEMAN is not a dudette? I just heard that SOME of the guys in that room are actually BI or gay.

How big is your crush on this guy? Make sure that your CRUSH to him is as a big as his head. Okie don't be such a greenminded, to all my avid readers, I'm talking about the HEAD, yes the head the upper part well lower part could be included if we are talking about the whole package of a certain individual. Meaning the phrase BATTERY IS NOT INCLUDED is soooo very wrong The battery should be always included.

For a certain guy to notice you:

1. Always boot him BUT act like you also got booted. Which is always happened when you trying to boot someone or the whole room you end up booting your own booty.

2. Always play stupid when he is around. I just noticed most of the guys in that room like you more when you act stupid.

3. Tell them you look like a frog. They like frogs.

4. You should have a reputation like you don't wear underwear or you have a big breast. Then you will be the talk of the room. Finally, he will noticed you.

5. If your in a voice chat, make sure your mic has some static if the people asked  what's in the background tell them its your vibrator. Again you will be famous and he will noticed you.

6. Talk about horse shampoo in the room and discuss how to tell if you got a fake or a real horse shampoo put an emphasis on the fourth methods or indication, (if u tried to drink the shampoo and it didn't bubbles in your mouth --- its FAKE) tell the room how brave are you that you drink a fake horse shampoo and it did not bubbles in your mouth.

7. Don't as in Don't you ever talk about politics in the room unless your a PRO-BUSH.

8.  Tell me who is ICEMAN, I want to know then I will do the rest for you...lol ;D

Madam M
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by gracia on Nov 12th, 2004, 5:46pm
Dear Madam M,

I was intrigued in ur column and it gives me guts to write you.  I can see that u really excel in giving advices.  You know i'm not really good in giving advices, i just want to refer one problem  that i recently heard and the corresponding advice too.  Please tell me if the advice is wrong, if possible i want to follow the right advice for the good of all.

The story is  about a worker in Shoe Mart.  He was hired to paint the fourth floor. As he was about to move on the other area, his belt turn loose and he fell on the floor.  He died unfortunately.  The fellow workers are worried already, they're afraid that the same case might happen to them.  What are they gonna do? was their question.  Then, finally, the advice was..........they were advice to transfer the forth floor to first floor so that there's no danger in falling.

Please Madam M.  enlighten me...i'm really confused.

Lovingly yours,

Confused baby
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by tarantada on Nov 12th, 2004, 6:36pm
lol...nice blod Madam M....our fairygay mother.... ;D

Dear Madam M,

I'm a student of law around the universitybelt and right now practicing my English speaking but I have a general problem. People of all ages in my school is calling-calling me "baduy and saying yuck yuck yuck". As you can see, for the benifit of the doubt,I am pretty and cute,mother told.But why oh why!I'm always going to school with my clothes in primary colors and they are laughing. For example,I'm wearing blue blouse with yellow pants,when I'm far away,and the sunshine is shoning upon me,the color is combination,so all they saw is green, isn't it amazing!!!..with red and blue,it's violet, and red & yellow, it's orange!!,but why oh why,for the second time around.Is there a problem with that,all I'm knowing are when I look at the side mirror,I saw a cute and pretty gal,mother told too,once again...I'm enclosing my residential certificate,if you want you can call me,but if you don't like,I'll call you...wait the minute,how I'm calling you?!.I don't know your address...Damn, I'm such a foolish persona.Please say I'm sorry to me from you....I'll wait for your advise, even in the middle of twelve'o clock.......hope your understanding my letter!!....thanks!!!!

Naomi Slang
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Nov 13th, 2004, 5:50pm

on 11/07/04 at 21:10:50, TeaGirl wrote:
Dear Madam M:

Why is adult life so difficult and scary?


Yours truly,

Patty O. Fern-Nichor



Dear Patty,

Yeah adult life is so difficult and scary once in while or even most of the time, if you are Madam M and if your not gettinng any....heck that is scary.

why is it  difficult and scary:

1.  BRA- For the women, you got to wear BRA especially in the Philippines it is so not decent if you go out and u not wearing a bra. And your neighbor will say..."Oh look you nips is jutting out"

2. THONGS- I personally scared of Thongs...I think Butt is really need protection...with the  butt like mine....yay!!! THONGS is so IN today, I remember before you got to move the panty so you can see the butt but now you got to move the butt just to see the panty.

3. RELATIONSHIP- Relationship to different species is also difficult and scary. Getting along with each other is really hard. Especially if your dating a vegetarian and your not a vegetarian and u two end up eating bread instead BUT before buying a  bread your guy need to check out the ingredients in that bread as well. So in conclusion and recommendation: becareful on who you dating, you'll never know, difficulty will arrive atleast you expected.

4. PROBLEMS - This is one of the hardest part of being an adult especially if you problem is your own face and you can't do nothing but to break all you mirrors at home since u dont have money for surgery.

5. BEING DUMP - One of the hardest part of being adult that you have to deal with. So you have to be sensitive as  soon as you felt that your partner will going to dump you soon, dump him/her first.

6. FYI, Your Madam M is only 16 so i don't know if all the shit I'm saying is applicable to adults.

Your Madam M
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Nov 13th, 2004, 6:14pm

on 11/12/04 at 17:46:12, gracia wrote:
Dear Madam M,

I was intrigued in ur column and it gives me guts to write you.  I can see that u really excel in giving advices.  You know i'm not really good in giving advices, i just want to refer one problem  that i recently heard and the corresponding advice too.  Please tell me if the advice is wrong, if possible i want to follow the right advice for the good of all.

The story is  about a worker in Shoe Mart.  He was hired to paint the fourth floor. As he was about to move on the other area, his belt turn loose and he fell on the floor.  He died unfortunately.  The fellow workers are worried already, they're afraid that the same case might happen to them.  What are they gonna do? was their question.  Then, finally, the advice was..........they were advice to transfer the forth floor to first floor so that there's no danger in falling.

Please Madam M.  enlighten me...i'm really confused.

Lovingly yours,

Confused baby


Dear Confused Baby,

Confused Baby, your problem is not that hard, very simple, for them to avoid an accident like that I would suggest that they better paint nails instead of painting a building. Less trouble and that kind of accident would be avoided.

And about the dead man, all I can say is, he wasn't that strong, Don't you know that I fell from the roof top of the building thats why i look like this (please see avatar) thats the product of that accident.

Your Madam M.
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Nov 13th, 2004, 6:35pm

on 11/12/04 at 18:36:45, tarantada wrote:
lol...nice blod Madam M....our fairygay mother.... ;D

Dear Madam M,

I'm a student of law around the universitybelt and right now practicing my English speaking but I have a general problem. People of all ages in my school is calling-calling me "baduy and saying yuck yuck yuck". As you can see, for the benifit of the doubt,I am pretty and cute,mother told.But why oh why!I'm always going to school with my clothes in primary colors and they are laughing. For example,I'm wearing blue blouse with yellow pants,when I'm far away,and the sunshine is shoning upon me,the color is combination,so all they saw is green, isn't it amazing!!!..with red and blue,it's violet, and red & yellow, it's orange!!,but why oh why,for the second time around.Is there a problem with that,all I'm knowing are when I look at the side mirror,I saw a cute and pretty gal,mother told too,once again...I'm enclosing my residential certificate,if you want you can call me,but if you don't like,I'll call you...wait the minute,how I'm calling you?!.I don't know your address...Damn, I'm such a foolish persona.Please say I'm sorry to me from you....I'll wait for your advise, even in the middle of twelve'o clock.......hope your understanding my letter!!....thanks!!!!

Naomi Slang

Dear Naomi,

What do you thinking of Madam M not understanding you english speaking. For your informative , I taken up a Bachelor of Vacational English speaking at SONY International institute of Marine Biologist and Volcanologist major in accurate grammar and spelling.

With regarding to your general problem,I don't saw anything wrong with that setup.You're color combining are great, but I don't believing in you and your motherhood that you am cute, because you don't send 2x2 picture,whole body shot. Maybe you could try black & white,or maybe white & black,please don't interchanging, so that people of all ages will saw you in new combining colors and we'll be suprise largely they can't laugh anymore.I hope these work,and you too hope,just continue smoking HOPE cigarettes not PHILLIP... About your residential certificate,I'm burning it rigth now in the coal with banana-Q sticks and eat it later.

Sorry Naomi , I didn't write or talk to stranger and besides my line is always busy cause I'm online...See you in the photo album.

Your Madam M
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by kim on Dec 7th, 2004, 6:52am
dear madam m,

Have you ever tried sending a resume to wazzup wzzup? You could replace tony Gonzaga  ;D... You are just too damn funny!!!!..

Anyways, my friend has a problem... she started using the horse shampoo a few days ago but the label said its a hair n body shampoo. Now she has hair growing all over and her pubic hair i twice as thick... What can you advice for her?
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by Wicked_Witch on Jul 8th, 2005, 6:24am
Dear M,

    I have heard so much about your great wisdom and I am really grateful that you gave me the chance to consult a porblem that has been nagging me for some time now. Actually its not my problem, a friend sent me a text message asking this problem and I really do not know what to tell her because you see, this friend looks like the face in the ads of that horse shampoo. I do now want to hurt her feelings so please advice me on what to tell her. Here is the message:

         Is it correct that all the cute person is veri foor on grramar and sfelling? My gashes, did they sure? What does they have proof? It hurts to us! I cant belief these! Tell me wat u think, took care and i will saw u in the rum.

I really would like to turn this person into a frog but I thought of you and would appreciate it if you can help me give her the most appropriate reply.
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Jul 9th, 2005, 5:13pm
Hi to all my avid readers....your madam M is back....sorry for not replying to your mail I had some problem about my cat....she had a miscarriage.

Anyway, anyhow, anything....your madam is back at your service again.

=================================


Quote:
dear madam m,

Have you ever tried sending a resume to wazzup wzzup? You could replace tony Gonzaga  ... You are just too damn funny!!!!..

Anyways, my friend has a problem... she started using the horse shampoo a few days ago but the label said its a hair n body shampoo. Now she has hair growing all over and her pubic hair i twice as thick... What can you advice for her?


Dear Kitty Baby,

Yes I did, I was actually the first choice and tony gonzaga was just a second choice but tony talked to me and  begged. She said not to accept the offer and instead let her have the show. Well, your madam M is so generous so i gave her the show. Beside I'm so over qualified in that show  And Bong Navarro have hots on me...heck im not interested...I don't like his totoy bibo shit. And FYI, your madam M only go for 8 inches. ahihihihi

Regarding your friend, that is one of the proof that Fake horse shampoo is widely spreading all over the place. But somehow it has a big benefit to your friend if she will grow more pubic hair and i would suggest to also grow hairs in her behind as well, make it long. Now, she can have an instant SKIRT. She can undergo dreadlock, hair relax or  make it more curly depends on what fashion she like.

Lovingly yours,
Madam M
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Jul 9th, 2005, 5:30pm

on 07/08/05 at 06:24:15, Wicked_Witch wrote:
Dear M,

    I have heard so much about your great wisdom and I am really grateful that you gave me the chance to consult a porblem that has been nagging me for some time now. Actually its not my problem, a friend sent me a text message asking this problem and I really do not know what to tell her because you see, this friend looks like the face in the ads of that horse shampoo. I do now want to hurt her feelings so please advice me on what to tell her. Here is the message:

         Is it correct that all the cute person is veri foor on grramar and sfelling? My gashes, did they sure? What does they have proof? It hurts to us! I cant belief these! Tell me wat u think, took care and i will saw u in the rum.

I really would like to turn this person into a frog but I thought of you and would appreciate it if you can help me give her the most appropriate reply.



Dear YOU,

Thanks! It is nice to know that i have another fan somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight.

About being a cute person if you have a poor gramar and speling, well me not realy sure if it is tru or pulse cause as you and me see your madam is dont know how to spell correctly and has a error gramatically speaking so i could not told you if it is true or not. All I know is im cute (please see avatar)

Well the only advice that i can give you is to tell your friend to drink a botttle of horse shampoo and if her mouth bubbles after drinking... you took some picture and show it to her so she can see how cute she is.

Lovingly yours,
Madam M
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Jul 9th, 2005, 5:41pm
Theres alot of letters that was stocked in here:

Heres one of the those letters:

Dear Madam M,

I have a very big problem. Most of the times, people will just suddenly slap me. It so happened that i have a big mole in my left cheek that people think its a FLY. I'm having a hard time with my situation right now. What am i going to do?

Please help.

Nura

Dear Nura,

Your problem is not really hard. Why don't you try to spray your cheek with BAYGON with triple action formula or if your to shy to do it just buy a flytrap then used it to cover you face. Opps I'm sorry I forgot that your problem is your mole.

Just buy a tool to make flies go away and hit you face many times and when you start not to feel anything then get a knife ...remove you mole then put it in MENUDO,  they will think its raisin.

Madam M
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by Wicked_Witch on Jul 15th, 2005, 3:36am
Nyahahhaha! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif]  If not for this thread I would never know that there are some people who really suffers from grave "afflictions"! Keep up the good work, Madam and more power to your column!
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by mylane on Jul 15th, 2005, 10:01am
thanks miss wicked witch.... ;D

Another letter:

Dear Madam M,


I'm a handsome guy, very good looking indeed. I'm telling the truth and nothing but the truth about me being good looking person. But somehow there is only one problem about it, My TEETH, my friends and neighbors is always teasing me ang calling me KESO as in cheese, because my teeth colored is yellow. Madam, what do you think i should do? Please Help me.

Steven "CHEESE" Seagul



I'm glad that you decided to consult your Madam M regarding your problem. Actually, I have received many letters before with the same problem as your having right now. And as far as I remember everybody was happy by the tips that i gave them.

Anyway, If you want to whiten your teeth, I would advised this, before you sleep at night and in the morning, make sure that u gurgle a LACQUER THINNER...thats a guaranteed result it will not only whiten your teeth but it will also removed your TARTAR or probably removed your teeth as well.

But if your want a mild solution, just gurgle a BOYSEN NATURAL Paint  colored WHite OK?  Just imagine that your drinking milk....but i have a dentist friend...lets just removed all your teeth and replace it with false teeth that are so white...dont worry....its very cheap but it would be all CANINE TEETH. ;D

Your Madam M.
Title: Re: Lovingly Yours Madam M
Post by okasantina on Sep 30th, 2006, 7:29pm
When are u coming back here Madam M???? your avid fans misses you here eh  ;D


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