|
||
|
Title: SEX JOKES Post by mixin4livin on Mar 12th, 2006, 8:35am |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by mixin4livin on Mar 12th, 2006, 8:39am |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by mixin4livin on Mar 12th, 2006, 8:52am |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by mixin4livin on Mar 12th, 2006, 10:34am |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by mixin4livin on Mar 20th, 2006, 7:24am |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 19th, 2006, 10:45am Kinds of SEX Recent research shows that there are 5 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, and generally have children. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you!" The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. Ooooops. Don't forget Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on. |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by astrobloke on Sep 19th, 2006, 4:29pm An Australian guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, dickhead." The man replies: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by Wicked_Witch on Sep 21st, 2006, 6:54am A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Er uh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Yup" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope.........just when it's raining." Moral lesson of the story: Never, ever have sex with a married woman on a rainy day. It can be hazardous to your "juniors"! [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] [smiley=roll.gif] |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by Wicked_Witch on Oct 6th, 2006, 9:37am They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. Claude is 85 and Maude is 83. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts..... Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Nov 23rd, 2006, 4:44pm it is true from early habit, one must make love mechanically as one swims; I was once very fond of both, but now as I never swim unless I tumble into the water, I don't make love till almost obliged |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Nov 23rd, 2006, 4:48pm Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? A. Popeye almost killed him! Q. How can you tell a head nurse? A. She's the one with the dirty knees! Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together? A. Ménage é thingy. Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag? A. Speed bumps. Q. What is the lightest thing in the world? A. A penis...even a thought can raise it. Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas? A. Erection Sets. Q. Where do fags park? A. In the rear. Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife... A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery. Q. What does a female snail say during sex? A. Faster, faster, faster! Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world? A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof. Q. What's red and blue with a long string? A. A smurfette with her period. Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit? A. A pubic hair. Q. Define "Egghead:" A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty. Q. How can you tell if you have acne? A. If the blind can read your face. Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand? A. Wool! Q. What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex? A. They just kinda lay there. Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor? A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?" Q. Why did the lumber truck stop? A. To let the lumber jack off. Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable? A. She wanted to mount the horse her way. Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky? A. The cumming of the Lord Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS? A. It was rear-ended by a ferry. Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist? A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs. Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader f**ks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A. Ate something. Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"? A. About three inches. |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Nov 23rd, 2006, 4:51pm Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A. One of his fingers is clean. Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. What's the biggest fish in the world? A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months. Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you? A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse. Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called 'Predickamints' Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball. Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".' Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody. Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? A. Nothing. Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist? A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from. Q. Why does the bride always wear white? A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour? Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy? A. Nobody eats parsley. Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy? A. Kermit's Finger Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box? A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!" Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water? A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago." Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery? A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay. Q. What's the best thing about a blow job? A. Ten minutes of silence! haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Nov 23rd, 2006, 4:54pm Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A. A love call. Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill? A. Leave the plunger in the toilet. Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her) Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? A. The position of the dirt bag. Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A. Doughnuts. Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? A. 100 people who don't do dick. Q. What do attorneys use for birth control? A. Their personalities. Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A. 45 lbs. Q. Why does a dog lick its penis? A. Because it can't make a fist. Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period? A. Finger painting. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by astrobloke on Nov 24th, 2006, 3:00am A couple is attending an art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it." The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis." The artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch." |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by Wicked_Witch on Nov 28th, 2006, 4:29am At the pubhouse drinking with his buddies, John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!,between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Dec 1st, 2006, 5:17pm How can you live without sex in your life... Sex in the morning Sex in the eveving Sex at night Every minute of the day Sex.......Sex........Sex Sex is great sex is bad Do it hard when you get mad Sex today Sex tommorow Sex everyday when you're in sorrow Sex on the bed Sex on the floor Have it everyday you will want more. |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Dec 1st, 2006, 5:24pm A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. "These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me. Love, Honey Bear p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing. |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Dec 16th, 2006, 2:17pm ;D ;D ;D this is all about sex... http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i114/metoogoodforyou/prod_106_1660.jpg |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by Wicked_Witch on Jan 11th, 2007, 3:21am Good Catholic Girls A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter. St Peter asks first girl, "Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of One with the tip of my finger." St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water And pass through the gate." St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Meg have you ever Had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Amy! What Seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jenny sticks her arse in it" |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Feb 6th, 2007, 3:04pm ;D ;D She whispered "will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me." She said "I'm very frightened, I've not had this before. My friend has had it five times And said it can be sore." It was growing rather painful Tears formed in her eyes It was hurting quite a bit now It must have been a size. "Calm yourself" he whispered "His face filled with a grin "Try and open wider So I can get it in." "It's coming now" he whispered "I know" she cried in bliss Feeling it deep within her now She said "I am glad I'm having this." And with a final effort She gave a frightened shout He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out. She lay back quite contended Sighed and gave a smile She said "I'm glad I came now You made it worth my while." Now if you read this carefully The dentist you will find Is not what you imagined It's just your dirty mind!! |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Feb 6th, 2007, 3:07pm ;D ;D ;D The sky was dark the moon was high all alone just her and I Her hair so soft her eyes so blue I knew just what she wanted to do Her skin so soft her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine I didn't know how but I tried my best to place my hand on her breast I remember my fear my fast beating heart but slowly she spread her legs apart And when she did I felt no shame as all at once the white stuff came At last it was finished it's all over now, my first time...milking a cow |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Feb 7th, 2007, 8:30am ;D ;D ;D A Guy's Job A guy sticks his location, In a girl's destinstion, To increase the population, For the next generation. Do you get my explanation? Or do you need a demonstration? |
||
|
Title: Re: SEX JOKES Post by bad_day_me on Feb 7th, 2007, 8:59am Scientific Sex The difference between Sex and love is this merely Love is a question of chemistry While sex is only physics clear.... ;D ;D ;D |
||
|
1freeworld Groups » Powered by YaBB 1 Gold - SP 1.3.2! YaBB © 2000-2003. All Rights Reserved. |